When I worked in forestry, the chief ranger got a gag letter from one of his buds.

It read.

Dear Sir.

Allow me to introduce myself.
I am the right Reverend William Cardston and I travel the country preaching the evils of wine women and cards.

I had an assistant that used to sit on the stage while I preached, looking out at the congregation through bleary bloodshot eyes while he slobbered, belched, farted and picked his nose.

Unfortunately my assistant has died and your name was suggested as a worthy replacement.

Is this a position you would be interested in?

Thank you.

Signed Reverend William Cardston