Any of you guys ever hurt yourself bad during ‘intimacy’ with wife or GF (or uhhhh…a professional). It occurs to me that I have not ever been injured doing ‘that’. Not talking about broken hearts…

Tell us about it…inquiring minds need to know.

kind of got a curve from an overseas expedition.

Twice but I’d get banned if I tried to explain.

Now THIS thread has potential!

And yes, with this wife. Wouldn't have it any other way. I can't imagine how I woulda gotten hurt with the ex, with the possible exception of frostbite.

I broke my bed once. There was a sexy little thing that I would dance at the bar with on a regular basis. Her boyfriend didn't dance, and I'd dance with anyone that wanted to. One night after she broke up with her boyfriend, she went home with me. Boy was that a wild night!!

Real bad calf muscle cramp a couple times.

Was giving my ex a neck and shoulder massage (planning on it leading to more) and as I leaned in to whisper in her ear I hit a sore spot and she reared her head back and headbutted my glasses into my eyebrow.
We laughed a little then six hours in the ER and three stitches later

Your meds are "working wonders"

Geebus H Krist we need hunting season to get here...

WTF?

Yea this place is starting to get pretty bad

Can’t wait for Bill to chime in.

I'd rather him not since it'll involve "the man".

I got my big toe stuck in the faucet of a hot tub with my wife making whoopy.

Damb-it....you beat me to it!

I once suffered hearing damage from the bedsprings creaking so loud.

Broke the bed in our Mexican resort on our honeymoon; several leg cramps I can remember; but nothing worse than that.

No.
But I have been completely wore out!

Had a new GF way back when and she had one of those old iron bed frames with the exposed coil springs and two big thick cotton mattresses on top. The top of the bed had to be at least 3 feet off of the floor. We were going at it pretty good one night and that darn bed bucked us both off. My cat-like reflexes failed me in the heat of the moment and I landed on my back with her on top. She wasn't very big at all, but she managed to knock the wind out of me. Had to take a 10 minute timeout.

How did you get the bean on top of the frank?

Gosh I am practicing extreme restraint.

So much potential in this thread.

No but I have a ton of stories from my profession..

One in particular involved a guy having to stab his GF in the head with a fork to get her off his member...

Is John Bobbitt a forum member? I don't think anybody could ever top flying johnsons.

GF's water bed didn't have a headboard. Came down off a wave, and broke my nose on the 2x8" board!!

I have a Semi wave and you still have to watch out for rogue waves.

This, by golly, does have potential. Texan til I die got me to laughing really hard, as did okie44. Then the rogue wave thing…

A guy I used to work with got married and went off on the honeymoon. Came back to work and his lower face and lips looked as raw as if he’d worked it over with a steel brush. Geez, wonder what happened….

Come on Hudbone, tell us what you want to tell us…if you don’t, the moment may pass forever.

lol. we smashed a coffee table once!

wasnt from the boot and saddle club?

Did it once through a chain link fence. Somehow convinced her it was good idea. Everything was going good until she got a little too enthusiastic. Not to say I didn’t finish the job.

I severed my frenulum once in highschool while with a girl in the shower. Looked down and saw blood, asked her if it was hers, she pointed and say "no, that's you!".
Last time I did anything like that in the water.

Been there. Wondered why it's just one boot, not plural.

Both men and women have been known to get bladder infections when normal bacteria from different body parts are exchanged. Always best to wash up after getting a little freaky.

Yeah. Ended up in the emergency room at Methodist in Katy, an overnight stay and a helluva medical bill.

Once. Senior in high school and took an inadvertent knee to the groin while she was trying to shimmy out of her skin tight jeans. Was in the front seat of a pickup on a back country road. Hurt so bad I rolled on the ground in the bar ditch beside the truck and barfed. Sort of killed the mood.

I can't get over someone thinking through chain link is a good idea!

Have. This board wouldn’t allow an explanation.

It was more of a challenge and there may have been alcohol involved.

I have been occasionally in a such a drooling fit of lust in my younger days that a chain link fence would not deter me from an opportunity, if it was the only opportunity available.

I have to look up frenulum.

Oh boy yes, a couple of times.

The most horrifying and unexpected experience involved a cat. A cat with sharp claws, and sharp teeth.

Was trying to be fruitful and multiply with my first wife. My feet on the floor/back on the bed, she was a blonde headed bull rider.

Cats can't resist a red laser pointer, or bouncy balls I discovered. Her cat, the devil, was hiding under the bed apparently waiting for the perfect opportunity to attack.....and attack he did. Ever seen a video of a bobcat jumping into the air and latching onto a bird? Picture that.

I screamed like a girl and tossed her off (didn't mean to). She bounced off the bed and hit the floor. Cat stayed attached for a couple of seconds during the process. It hurt, hurt pretty bad actually. Yes I was bleeding. With all my heart I wanted to kill that freakin' cat. To this day everywhere I go, I check for cats first before disrobing.

TITFTMTTB

She got a little carried away one night and jumped a bit too high. All I can say is, "the color purple."

I have had a few little nicks and bruises over the years, and my wife and I did break a slat under the mattress years ago. I hooked up with a gal one night at Dumas Walkers in Graham and her g string was just pulled aside and rubbed a raw spot on my …. That was unpleasant for a few days. I had another girl i hooked up with at the same joint claw my back so bad in two spots my friends thought I needed stitches. My how I miss those days.

One of the funniest Paul Harvey radio shows I ever heard was about a woman who heard her next door neighbor yelling for help. When she first ran to see what had happened, she heard the woman yelling from inside the house. She ran into the neighbor's house only to find the poor woman laying naked in the bed, her arms and legs tied to the bed posts. It was then she noticed the woman's husband laid out on the floor next to the bed wearing only a cape and a batman mask. As Paul told the story, the man had climbed up on the dresser and was going to jump onto the bed to make love to his wife. In all the excitement, the poor man failed to avoid the ceiling fan over the bed and hit it hard enough to knock himself out.

Snopes.com gives this story a "legend" status with the following note...

The earliest known printed reference to this legend is Paul Smith’s 1986 Book of Nastier Legends. The story started to spread widely coincident with the release of the Batman movie in 1989, and retellings of the story as true by Paul Harvey in 1989 and Ann Landers in early 1990 helped disseminate the legend to an even larger audience.

No. It was a country bar called "The Round Up" in Oldsmar Fl. I was one of the few guys there that could 2 step and swing. I really wasn't that great at either, but all the girls thought I was a dancing god. I did very well there as a single young man.

Sent a woman to the er one night, that was a buzzkill

I think I broke my wiener once

This is a one upper thread from hell if I’ve ever saw it

I had a surgery that required about a 3 inch incision on my right groin area. The day I got the staples removed I decided it was healed up good enough to give it a go. Felt something weird so I walked to the bathroom and looked down and that incision was laid WIDE open. Luckily I didn't have my contacts in so I couldn't see it very good. Walked back into the bedroom holding it and showed my wife. She panicked worse than me and said DO NOT LOOK DOWN. So we get our 3 kids up (told them I fell and it split open)out of bed and she hauls me to the ER. She was to embarrassed to go in with me and told me not to tell them how it happened . I couldn't lie to the doctors. Stapled me back up and I got to heal up all over again. I took a much more cautious approach the next time.

A girlfriend I met at the Horshshoe on Lake Nasworthy, in San Angelo came home with me. My young Brittany pup jumped up on the bed and threw up a bunch of pecans and a sonic foil wrapper. She rolled over and we fell off the bed . She hit her head on my desk and was bleeding badly. She was a trooper and finished up before I took her to the ER for 6 stitches.

No, I’ve never been hurt. I’m careful!

I’ve blown out a few backs in my day…

Pulled a muscle in my buttocks.

I’ve got so many funny things to say but last time I told a sexual oriented joke I got banned.

twice in the good ole days. both required Doctor visits, one there was blood (mine)

Now, I get hurt every time.

Butthole tears are serious business, glad you healed up.

OMG. He said he played for the Cowboys, not the San Francisco 49ers. I wonder what the 49ers players had to report on their physicals.

He said he played in the Cowboys locker room

Reminds me of the time my grandpa passed away. I went straight to my grandparent's house to visit my 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When I asked how her grandpa died, she replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, i told her that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex was asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," my granny replied. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the dang ice cream truck hadn't come along."

She have big fingernails?

This is a serious contender for post of the year!

Glad I didn't have coffee in my mouth when I read this!

Dr's report listed as :

Broke back (mounten)...

Doesn't surprise me.

Hey Buzz, did the hamster live?

Some interesting and funny stuff :
Bet a few of those stories really were solo incidents at the self serve island while going cross eyed looking at their Hustler magazine

I'm just suprised that nobody has said anything that would get this thread shut down. LOL.

Even after I shared the story about a cat attacking my testiculars while doing the bungie bungie on the side of the bed.

This thread has definite potential.

There are some really funny stories, and nobody has gotten out of bounds. Not sure which one I laughed at the most.

Yes, I had to go blow my nose to get the coffee out of it after reading that one.

No injuries during but had Mr. Righty swell up like a tender pimple about to pop. Trip to the doc, shot in the butt, peed blood for a few days and no more fun for a month was what doc ordered. Don’t forget to pee soon after was the lesson learned from that one.

Late wife was a trauma ER nurse for many years. If I told the stories she’d come home with about many different items that had been inserted in different cavities....I’d get a vacation from here

When in the army they constantly stressed pee after sex, asap.

Early morning quickie in the kitchen. Kids are still asleep upstairs. I'm sitting on a kitchen chair, wife on my lap. She gets a little rowdy and the chair collapses into six pieces. I smack the back of my head on the kitchen table ...blood everywhere. Kids INSTANTLY coming running downstairs to see what all the commotion is about. Later that night, her parents come over for dinner and our oldest immediately tells them that she is going to have to sit on a stool for dinner because "daddy and mommy broke her chair".

That's what she said

You should have seen the guys line up at the fence in Panama.

we just went downtown. Like a kid in a candy store.

I wish I could tell the whole story of earning the curve. I can say it's worked out pretty well after the pain stopped. I was young and and she loved my boots, cowboy hat and always wandered about riding a bull.

Dogs maybe. But humans? That's some kinky stuff right there.

Gerbil.
# Gerbillivesmatter

guess my input is of no value since it implied wife, gf or other person involved. Is tendonitis actual injury?

One of the funniest things ever said on THF in my book. Very well played Sir!

Didn't Robert D. Raiford tell this story?

Using caution in the description.

Back in the 1985 - 1990 range I was volunteering with a very rural fire department as an EMT First Responder.
Saturday afternoon call to a huge McMansion. We were met at the door by a middle aged man with blood on his hands, shirt, and shorts...and dilated pupils. He is being very weird and says his wife was upstairs and was "trapped by the bed"...but he does not want anyone to go upstairs. At this point alarm bells are going off in my head. I told the responding deputy that it was possible domestic abuse before heading up the stairs, and ask him to keep the guy downstairs.

A not so attractive lady had (past tense) rings in her nipples, belly button, and both lower lips. They had this huge Four Poster Bed. Fake gold chains (made of surprisingly strong steel links) had been attached to those rings and the bed posts. Use your imagination here. Maybe things got overly energetic...maybe they were both just too stoned...but she fell off the bed. Three of those rings ripped out, but two were still holding and one was putting a LOT of tension on some sensitive tissue...and this gal stuck between the bed and the wall.

Paramedic shears quickly released the chain. I'm not sure what she was on, but she was amazingly calm..and quite embarrassed, despite the considerable blood flow from a couple of small, but very vascular areas where the piercings had been ripped out. We get the bleeding slowed, but she is not Walking Anywhere for a while, so I call for a chair stair and we get her into the ambulance.


...meanwhile I had forgot about the husband. The deputy has seen her come down the stairs bloody and thinks he has some kind of sick wife abuser in the back seat.

I use to be a regular for awful hamstrings cramps during the romps. Like awful bad of demount remount and " are u cramping again". I finally got my calcium etc intake under control and no more massive leg cramps.

I did hurt my wife with contaminated "parts" of my body that had OC spray. If you know about the old school LEO OC spray it was tough. I had been in a helll of a fight that night with a perp. Came home and well stuff happens.

I showered before the sheet romping. If you know OC you also know washing it just distributes it further to other parts. Wife kept saying "it's hot!!!!" I was yeah dam right skippy it's hot, i'm the man!!!! Little did I know it was OC burning hot, she was a bit pissed at me

That’s funny right there