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Colonoscopy preparation
#7633513
10/15/19 10:06 PM
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Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 7,047
mikei
OP
THF Trophy Hunter
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OP
THF Trophy Hunter
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 7,047 |
What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate? I'm glad you asked... 12:05 pm: It's time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it's a lukewarm PBR and you don't want to be a wuss in front of your older brother's friends. It's suppose to be grape flavored but it's becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day has never actually tasted anything grape in their life. You are already regretting this decision. 12:06 pm: You deep throat a cupcake like you've been saving it for the apocalypse because let's face it...that time is here. It's going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don't care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You're about to enter a very dark period in your life. 12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of impacted poo in your colon and you basically just drank the "safe for humans" version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it's time. You're wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser. Take note...this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours. 12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it's boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you...you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can't run... NEVER run! You pray to god there is enough elasticity in your ahole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3...2...1... 12:58 pm: Sweet Mary, mother of God...is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The poo / water mixture you've just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down. Is that blood? False alarm. That's just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving...last year. The smell is horrid...the sound is frightening. Children are crying. You try to clench whats left of your ahole to soften the blow but it's not working. The whole house just heard your liquid fart as it gurgled out of your bottom. 1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything's a blur. You have pooped out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800's, and your bottom now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it. You're now curled up in the bathtub crying because you have to remain within arm's reach of the toilet at all times. You have the poop sweats. You meet Jesus. 8:37 pm: Your family will never be able to unsee the things they've seen in the last 8 hours. You're broken. Your bottom broken. Your spirit's broken. Life as you know it will never be the same. But...tomorrow's a new day. You're going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that doesn't have a poop stain on it, and you're going to run up to Target with the last shred of dignity you have left...and buy yourself a new toilet brush. You've earned it.
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Re: Colonoscopy preparation
[Re: mikei]
#7633516
10/15/19 10:12 PM
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Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 9,836
The Dude Abides
THF Trophy Hunter
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THF Trophy Hunter
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 9,836 |
Funny as hell! You described my experience last year to a T.
I am still looking for the perfect apron, one with reinforced knee areas would be perfect.
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Re: Colonoscopy preparation
[Re: mikei]
#7633517
10/15/19 10:13 PM
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Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 10,115
texasag93
THF Celebrity
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THF Celebrity
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 10,115 |
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Re: Colonoscopy preparation
[Re: mikei]
#7633518
10/15/19 10:13 PM
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Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 15,980
Jimbo1
THF Celebrity
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THF Celebrity
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 15,980 |
FJB - Lets Go Brandon BBB - Bring Back Better Awake - Not Woke!
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Re: Colonoscopy preparation
[Re: mikei]
#7633528
10/15/19 10:23 PM
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 15,503
reeltexan
THF Celebrity
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THF Celebrity
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 15,503 |
that's weird. I didn't have any problems like that.
"If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under." Ronald Reagan
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Re: Colonoscopy preparation
[Re: mikei]
#7633532
10/15/19 10:25 PM
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Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 9,108
Espy
THF Trophy Hunter
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THF Trophy Hunter
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 9,108 |
Thats funny
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Re: Colonoscopy preparation
[Re: mikei]
#7633553
10/15/19 10:45 PM
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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 91,416
bill oxner
THF Celebrity
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THF Celebrity
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 91,416 |
Quail hunting is like walking into, and out of a beautiful painting all day long. Gene Hill
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Re: Colonoscopy preparation
[Re: mikei]
#7633554
10/15/19 10:45 PM
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Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 5,834
Lazyjack
THF Trophy Hunter
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THF Trophy Hunter
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 5,834 |
And....chicken broth is suddenly a delicacy.
If the 2nd amendment was written just to include guns for hunting, why is there not an amendment to protect fishing poles?
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Re: Colonoscopy preparation
[Re: mikei]
#7633565
10/15/19 10:51 PM
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 23,830
beaversnipe
THF Celebrity
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THF Celebrity
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 23,830 |
Or just 1 bean thang from Allsups will do
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Re: Colonoscopy preparation
[Re: mikei]
#7633566
10/15/19 10:51 PM
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Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 5,225
Rustler
THF Trophy Hunter
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THF Trophy Hunter
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 5,225 |
One of those slight unpleasantries that can save your life, or extend it if you've been a hard headed idiot & put it off too long.
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Re: Colonoscopy preparation
[Re: mikei]
#7634032
10/16/19 02:47 PM
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Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 11,243
Pope&Young
THF Celebrity
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THF Celebrity
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 11,243 |
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Re: Colonoscopy preparation
[Re: mikei]
#7634143
10/16/19 04:06 PM
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Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 19,135
TCM3
THF Celebrity
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THF Celebrity
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 19,135 |
Do not forget to entertain strangers, For by so doing some have unwittingly entertained angels Hebrews 13:2 (R-TX)
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Re: Colonoscopy preparation
[Re: mikei]
#7635537
10/18/19 01:09 AM
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Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 435
drag13honda
Bird Dog
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Bird Dog
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 435 |
Humorous take on an unpleasant situation.
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Re: Colonoscopy preparation
[Re: mikei]
#7635577
10/18/19 01:46 AM
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 553
Rglover
Tracker
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Tracker
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 553 |
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Re: Colonoscopy preparation
[Re: mikei]
#7635606
10/18/19 02:21 AM
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Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 960
sleepyhunter
Tracker
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Tracker
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 960 |
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Re: Colonoscopy preparation
[Re: mikei]
#7648641
10/31/19 10:06 PM
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Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 11,657
colt45-90
Texas colt45
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Texas colt45
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 11,657 |
hold on Newt, we got a runaway
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Re: Colonoscopy preparation
[Re: mikei]
#7648909
11/01/19 03:24 AM
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Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 680
fmrmbmlm
Tracker
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Tracker
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 680 |
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Re: Colonoscopy preparation
[Re: mikei]
#7654093
11/06/19 07:39 PM
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 2,482
TSU99
Veteran Tracker
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Veteran Tracker
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 2,482 |
I just rejoined the THF, just now after being gone for five or so years and read this thread....Laughed so hard I threw up!
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Re: Colonoscopy preparation
[Re: mikei]
#7658991
11/11/19 11:20 PM
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Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 474
VigoPark
Bird Dog
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Bird Dog
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 474 |
My colon cleansing before my colonoscopy involved a product called Movie Prep, definitely not something to drink before going to the movie theater. I remember the instructions in bold capital letters [b][/b] IT IS RECOMMENDED TO GENTLY DAUB THE SPHINCTER WHILE CLEANING ONESELF TO PREVENT PAPER CUTS. Of course, i read that about halfway through the cleansing
Buck Feto & FJB
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Re: Colonoscopy preparation
[Re: mikei]
#7660808
11/13/19 04:54 PM
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Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 9,185
hook_n_line
THF Trophy Hunter
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THF Trophy Hunter
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 9,185 |
Sometimes it's hard being me! But somebody has to do it.
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Re: Colonoscopy preparation
[Re: Lazyjack]
#7663322
11/16/19 01:26 AM
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Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 10,851
DannyB
THF Celebrity
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THF Celebrity
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 10,851 |
And....chicken broth is suddenly a delicacy. Though the story is hilarious, it wasn't that bad. But yes, chicken broth was the savior. I haven't had one bite of Jello in over ten years, which reminds me.............. It's time to make the appointment.
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Re: Colonoscopy preparation
[Re: mikei]
#7674510
11/28/19 11:52 AM
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Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 43,927
Stub
THF Celebrity
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THF Celebrity
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 43,927 |
Been through 3 of those with fond memories none of mine were that bad.
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