from a friend......little long, but worth it.

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy, my Gastroenterologist , showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.



Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring, and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP MY BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written with British understatement, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:



1. Take it easy Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before.

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

One has to actually experience this to really appreciate it!

...and yes #13 gets my vote for the best one!

The stuff you get here in the US is called "Golightly"!!!

I think the stuff they gave me was called insta-squirt!

I know an ED doc who was in her residency who had a concoction that she called 'Rocket Booster'...

I will let you visualize in you mind why she called it that.

Been there, done that. Funniest thing I have read in a long while.

Colonoscopy is a funny subject and good for a laugh but it sure saved my life. GET ONE

I had my first colonoscopy a few years ago. The prep is by far much worse than the actual procedure. I told my doctor that I had never eliminated so much in my life. Now I know how my toilet feels when the Roto-Rooter guy shows up.
And by the way, I think I said something akin to #5. (and I thought #12 but didn't say it.)

My third one is coming up soon. That story is pretty damn accurate.

The last thing I remember as they were getting ready to do the "dirty deed" was two of the young nurses giggling. Not sure what they were giggling about?

I inadvertantly hit on the nurse in front of my wife after the procedure.

that really doesn't go deep enough into the details of the day before prep ... but close! It wouldn't have been so bad, but I woke up before they were done looking at a TV screen of what the doctor was seeing ... I said "is that what my insides looks like?" ... one of the nurses said "uh, are you waking up already?" and they quickly got it wrapped up. Funny how you go into the recovery room (little curtained area) and they are strongly encouraging you to break wind ... really good long tunish ones from the air they filled you up with to do the procedure ...

I also woke up during the procedure and watched the doc snip a little polyp. I said 'good job doc' and the big hammer came out. Don't remember much after that.

I got my invitation for a return showing along with an upper GI in the mail this week. A few years ago they would let you take 4 pills and drink an 8 ounce glass of water. You had to do it 4 times though. My doctor promised me that they used 2 different scopes and after the procedure told me I asked if they were going to meet in the middle.

My wife went in for a colonoscopy and found out she had stage 4 colon cancer. After surgery and almost 3 years of chemo, the doctor told us that there's no sign of cancer, and if she's still clear in 3 months, he will declare her in remission. He told her that she has the same life expectancy as any other woman her age, but if they hadn't found it when they did, she would probably have been dead within 6 months.
I know this forum is supposed to be funny, but this has made such an impact on both our lives that we're like evangelists for preventative care. So, yeah, the prep is pretty awful , and the procedure itself is pretty weird , but for all my friends and contacts on this site and others, I would thoroughly recommend the procedure for any of you guys over 40. It may save your life so I can make other gun trades down the road.

I laughed so hard I was crying.
I am with redfred, do it!

This is a Sigmoidoscope and you know what you can do with it!!!

(Just had the pleasure of being a victim of one of these a few months back. Doc says I'm good for another 5 years! ...at least he didn't pat me on the butt.)

Glad she is allright - prayers to you

#10 is my favorite.

Lmbo

sitting here crying in my office...people are wondering what my problem is...

Woke up 3 times during my first one and they kept upping the dose until I felt like I had been on a three day drunk. Second one not too bad but Golitely is the work of Satan.