When I was a young guy, I was deer hunting with an old cotton farmer in the texas hill country one time. The old man looked around and told me "Boy, this ground is so poor, you'd have to sit on a sack of fertilizer, just to raise a hard".

That went over about as well as a turd in the punchbowl.

She's a BUTTERFACE Got a gorgeous body BUTT ER Face
Uglier than a mud fence
Its on like Donkey Kong

"richard" was so hard a cat couldn't scratch it.

Time to call in the dogs and piss on the fire.

Heck yea I'm screwed up. Screwed up like a snake in a lawm mower.

I'm not sayin he's uptight but if you shoved a piece of coal up his a@* he'd s*^# out a diamond.

I was at a cook off one time and there was a guy pretty wasted. I asked if he was ok and he replied," I am more f'd up than a one toed "person" in flip flops!". I have never laughed so hard.

Everything that you pour over a cow's back , eventually drips off her belly!!!

Women............... Anything that can bleed for a week and not die shouldnt be messed with!!!!

When pigs fly and the fat lady sings

Busier than a 1 legged man in a butt kicking contest.

"ya'll all alright
he dont know whether he's washin or hangin out
rainin like a cow pizzin on a flat rock

its not the criminals that are going to suffer because they can and still will get guns its us law abiding gun owners that will suffer and quite frankly it is a load of [censored] thanks osama i mean obama

OOPS I THINK I WROTE THIS ON THE WRONG POST WOW I FEEL DUMB SO NOW ILL GIVEU GUYS SOME OF MY SAYINGS CURTISY OF LARRY THE CABLE GUY madder than a on legged man in a hops factory, madder than a queer with tonsilitus on valentines day and then one my dad always says to me BOY U BETTER KNOCK THAT OFF BEFORE I WHOOP THAT TATER.

That boy could screw up a one man rock fight !!!!

That boy could screw up an anvil with a rubber mallet.

Who'd a thunk it?
Hornier than a two peckered billy goat.
It'll be Katy bar the door.

That'll make a puppy pull a freight train.

Have you been this stupid all your life or has it been a gradual slide?

When I was a kid, my Dad had a saying. He would ask me a question that I was not sure about and I would say, "I think so. He would say, "Thinking will get you in trouble just like the little boy that thought he had to fart, he ended up in a mess." Then he would say, "That's what thinking will do for you".

That's as wrong as two fellas kissin

He couldn't organize a two-car funeral procession.

Hungrier than a one legged alligator.
Rougher than a stucco bathtub.
If I tell ya a rooster can pull a freight train, just hunt the harness.
That girls jeans look like they been painted on, (she has on Krylon Jeans)
Dumber than a dead rock.
Worthless as teats on a boar hog.
I need to go so bad I think I could stand flat footed and whiz over a 9 strand barb wire fence.

You're such a bad shot, you couldn't hit a bull in the @$$ with a scoop shovel full of rice.

You're head is so far up your @$$ you have to clear your throat to fart.

I'll hit you so hard, I'll kill half your family.

Why don't you go chase parked cars.

Boy leave me alone... Go lay down by your dish.

That'll crank start a diese engine.