(About a woman walking away)..
"Looks like two cats fighting in a tote sack"
Poor as a churchmouse
Uglier than homemade soap
Slow as Christmas
Hotter than a firecracker
"His mind is made up - don't confuse him with the facts"
The fishing's so good we have to hide behind a tree to bait the hook
This room's so small I have to go outside to change my mind
"I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken" (My favorite quote from an old boss)

His breath is so bad he could make an onion cry!

I would love to help you but I just can't fix stupid
If I tell you it's Christmas on the 4th of July hang a stocking
I'm so broke I had to j$&@ off the dog to feed the cat

Crazier than a rat in a tin shat house.

Every time you open your mouth I feel stupider.

Go ask your mother.

My Moms favorite country sayin

Just wait till I get you home boy.

Something I heard fairly often growing up;

"Boy, you could tear up a steel ball, with a rubber hammer, in a padded room."

"If your aunt had nuts she'd be your uncle!"

"That thing is hotter than a two-peckered billy goat!"

"That boy could tear up a steel ball with a rubber mallet!"

"More screwed up than a soup sandwich!"

My cousins and me were pretty wild and my grandma would say

" I'm going knock a lung out of you "
" I'm going slap the fire out of you "

My aunt would threaten to " hair lip you " I didn't know what it meant at the time but it sure scared me!!

And we were always told if we were barefoot that " y'all are going get screwworms "

Quit f*&^%ing around boy, you're pixxin' on the wheels of progress.

She's so good looking, I bet her farts smell like cupcakes.

If you was any dumber you'd be the president.

That fits like a tube sock on a rooster.

She was red on the head like the noodle on a poodle.

Shakin' like a dog trying to sh%$ a peach seed.

I'm fixin ta make you fly, boy.

I'm gonna beat your axx so hard you'll have to call the fire department to put it out.

You ever notice how mad a chicken gets if you try to put that egg back in?

Wait 'til you daddy gets home, you'll be begging me to whip you. (from my momma).

You can either take a spankin' like a man or listen to your momma bitch for the next two weeks! (dad)

A politician ain't nuthin' more than a thief with a nice suit.

Don't crap in your own back yard.

Boy, I like a challenge, but if I'd known what I was in for with you, I'da cut my nuts off before I took your momma out. (Thanks dad!)

Hot Chick = I'd smell a mile of her farts just to see where they came from.

"That boy could tear up a crowbar in the desert"

"I'm gonna hit you so hard, your grandkids are gonna have a headache"

Waking somebody up in the morning:"GET UP AND GO PISS,YOUR WORLD IS ON FIRE"

I'm so broke I cant even pay attention.

I'll bounce you so high they'll have to shoot you to keep you from starving to death.

Thicker than flies on a bulls azz
Slower than molasis in winter time

Now we're cooking with Oil!!


Your heart better belong to God cuz the rest of you belongs to me!!

"That boy is dumb as a post"

"Boy, you could screw up Christmas"

"...smaller than a tickturd"

"You're all aces today"

"Well, spank my @ss and call me Shirley"

I actually used this on on my boy recently: "Excuses are like azz holes, everybody has one and nobody wants to hear yours."

Talking about big women...
She was so big she burns diesel.
She is so big she can kick start a 747.
She is so big, she has a WIDE LOAD sign on her butt.

I'll hit you so hard your grand kids will be born dizzy.

He's so old the ocean wasn't full when he was born.

He's as useless as tits on a chicken.

From my grandmother, a kind and gentle woman most of the time, and a bit earthy the rest of the time.

"Well, you can kiss my ole Rusty and bark at the hole."

I always heard it as "Excuses are like azz holes, everybody has one and most of the time they stink"

put some hair around it so you can find it