I don't play—I quit school ’cause of recess.

I was so nervous I didn't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt.

She was battin' her eyes like a toad in a hailstorm.

You walk slower then turtles in molasses screwing.

His pants were so tight if he'd a farted it'd blow his boots off.

Well, I'd smack the fire out of 'em if they acted that way around me.

That's worthless as chicken crap on the pump handle.

It's hotter than a billygoat with a blowtorch.

Heavier than a dead preacher.

Ain't gotta pot to piss in let alone a window to throw it out.

I'm up to my [censored] in alligators.

He didn't know who's weeds he was pissing in.

Funnier than a retard eatin hotwings.

That's so hard to do it'd be like trying to put butter up a wildcat's [censored] with a hot poker!

She has two speeds. Slow and stop.

That boy is so ugly he couldn't get laid in a whore house with a fist full of hundreds.

That girl is like a doornob...everyone gets a turn.

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust if it wasn't for women our peckers would rust.

He looks greener than gourd guts.

I'd fight tigers in the dark with a switch for her.

I'd rather stare directly at the sun with binoculars than ...

He's the biggest liar who ever crapped behind shoeleather.

He'd bitch if you hung him with a new rope.

He's as nellie as pink ink.

That smells like the outhouse door of a shrimp boat.

It's cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table.

That would gag the buzzards off a gut wagon...
Nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs...
Older than dirt...

Heard this one on LIZARD LICK TOWING:
That boy is nuttier than a port-a-potty at a peanut festival.

It smelled as bad as Osama's cave.

Hit him so hard made him piss like a puppy

this just in:
"he's nuttier than a squirrel turd"

"Fruitier than a fruitcake."

"Bless his heart, he was hit with an ugly stick."

"I couldn't trust em as far as I could throw em."

"When I say git you better git or I'll knock the tar outta ya!"

"What happen? You got up on the wrong side of bed?"

Two of my old favorite's

It's colder than a welldiggers arse

That stuff would gag a maggot

Shaking like a dog trying to sh** a peach seed.
Shining like a diamond in a goats [censored].
Like trying to put a tube sock on a rooster.
Nervous as a whore in church.

Don't know come here from sic'em

Keep em comin -- some of these are
'finer than frogs hair'
though some are
'about as funny as a submarine with screen doors'

My dads 2 favorite sayings

He ain't got enough sense to pour pizz out of a boot if the instructions are written on the bottom

Don't let your alligator mouth overload your spring frog behind

I'm happier than a puppy with two peckers.

"I outa go over there".... )reply) Yeah, otters outta hump beavers, but they don't.

Git outta the way and let me do it... you're just like a cub bear playin with his - - - - .

You look like you've been tryin to wash a bob cat with a wire brush, in a 5 gal bucket of gasoline.

For something thats hard-

Like running a wet noodle up a widcats azz

he's as useless as mudflaps on a turtle.

If he had another brain he'd be completely lonely

That went over like a fart during church service.

Busier than a one legged man in a butt-kickin contest.

"honey child"

"thats about as f-ed up as a bucket of one eyed minners"

"You're making more noise that a bell clapper is a gooses azz"

I'm serious as a heart attack!

That went over like a turd in a punch bowl.

She's smart as a whip.

I have heard my uncles say these.

Thats slicker than a peeled onion.

My eye(sp) teeth got in front of my tongue and I couldn't see what I was saying.

That dirty old dish rag.

I'm so confused I don't know whether I found a rope or lost my horse......!

If someones ugly: "They look like they were spoon fed with a sling shot......bless their heart"

That boy could screw up a ball bearing.

Some women can't help being ugly but they could stay home!