I think I broke my wiener once

This is a one upper thread from hell if I’ve ever saw it

I had a surgery that required about a 3 inch incision on my right groin area. The day I got the staples removed I decided it was healed up good enough to give it a go. Felt something weird so I walked to the bathroom and looked down and that incision was laid WIDE open. Luckily I didn't have my contacts in so I couldn't see it very good. Walked back into the bedroom holding it and showed my wife. She panicked worse than me and said DO NOT LOOK DOWN. So we get our 3 kids up (told them I fell and it split open)out of bed and she hauls me to the ER. She was to embarrassed to go in with me and told me not to tell them how it happened . I couldn't lie to the doctors. Stapled me back up and I got to heal up all over again. I took a much more cautious approach the next time.

A girlfriend I met at the Horshshoe on Lake Nasworthy, in San Angelo came home with me. My young Brittany pup jumped up on the bed and threw up a bunch of pecans and a sonic foil wrapper. She rolled over and we fell off the bed . She hit her head on my desk and was bleeding badly. She was a trooper and finished up before I took her to the ER for 6 stitches.

No, I’ve never been hurt. I’m careful!

I’ve blown out a few backs in my day…

Pulled a muscle in my buttocks.

I’ve got so many funny things to say but last time I told a sexual oriented joke I got banned.

twice in the good ole days. both required Doctor visits, one there was blood (mine)

Now, I get hurt every time.

Butthole tears are serious business, glad you healed up.

OMG. He said he played for the Cowboys, not the San Francisco 49ers. I wonder what the 49ers players had to report on their physicals.

He said he played in the Cowboys locker room

Reminds me of the time my grandpa passed away. I went straight to my grandparent's house to visit my 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When I asked how her grandpa died, she replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, i told her that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex was asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," my granny replied. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the dang ice cream truck hadn't come along."

She have big fingernails?

This is a serious contender for post of the year!

Glad I didn't have coffee in my mouth when I read this!

Dr's report listed as :

Broke back (mounten)...

Doesn't surprise me.

Hey Buzz, did the hamster live?

Some interesting and funny stuff :
Bet a few of those stories really were solo incidents at the self serve island while going cross eyed looking at their Hustler magazine

I'm just suprised that nobody has said anything that would get this thread shut down. LOL.

Even after I shared the story about a cat attacking my testiculars while doing the bungie bungie on the side of the bed.

This thread has definite potential.