Things You Should Know

* IF MY BODY IS EVER FOUND ON A JOGGING TRAIL JUST KNOW THAT I WAS MURDERED SOMEWHERE ELSE AND DUMPED THERE.

* RESPECT YOUR ELDERS. THEY GRADUATED FROM SCHOOL WITHOUT THE INTERNET.

* I'VE DECIDED I'M NOT OLD, I'M 45 -- PLUS SHIPPING AND HANDLING.

* WHY DO I HAVE TO PRESS "1" FOR ENGLISH? DID AMERICA MOVE?

* WE HAVE ENOUGH GUN CONTROL. WHAT WE NEED IS IDIOT CONTROL.

* BEHIND EVERY ANGRY WOMAN STANDS A MAN WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT HE DID WRONG.

* LET'S STOP SENDING MONEY TO OTHER COUNTRIES AND LET THEM HATE US FOR FREE.

* I LOOK AT PEOPLE AND SOMETIMES THINK "REALLY? -- THAT'S THE SPERM THAT WON?"

* IN MY DEFENSE I WAS LEFT UNSUPERVISED.

* MY DECISION-MAKING SKILLS CLOSELY RESEMBLE THOSE OF A SQUIRREL WHEN CROSSING THE ROAD.

* SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.

* CAMPING: WHERE YOU SPEND A SMALL FORTUNE TO LIVE LIKE A HOMELESS PERSON.

* I THOUGHT GETTING OLD WOULD TAKE LONGER.

* A WISE MAN ONCE SAID - - NOTHING.

BEHIND EVERY ANGRY WOMAN STANDS A MAN WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT HE DID WRONG

I thought getting old would take longer. That's so true it's not even funny.

DOES NOT PLAY WELL WITH OTHERS

Those are great!!!

90% of the [censored] whuppins that I have gotten were optional

Every time you throw dirt you lose a little ground.