Camp Rules

I posted these a while back thought now would be a good time to re-post, Would like your input on adding to the list.

1. If a camp member should get lost, the distress signal is three shots, with an interval of 10 seconds between shots. This is so members may distinguish between the truly lost and those who are merely poor marksmen.
2. Nobody over 300 pounds permitted in upper bunks for any reason. One member is still removing plywood splinters from his backside after last year’s incident involving Tiny.
3. No lawyers allowed as guests. Ever. Even if he or she is a blood relation.
4. A dish is deemed clean if the user cannot identify last foodstuff eaten off of it.
5. Any hunter observed missing a shot under 150 yards at a standing deer will have his shirttail cut off in the presence of all camp members that evening. However, the “Johnson exception” stipulates that no hunter shall have more than three shirts destroyed in said manner per day.
6. Polypropylene long johns may be worn for no more than five days, or until fumes can be seen emanating from them, whichever comes first.
7. The Saran Wrap-over-the-outhouse-seat trick may not be perpetrated after the first week of hunting season.
8. A member shooting a buck under 100 pounds live weight (or doe under 70 pounds) must leave the animal where it drops. A party including the shooter and a majority of members present will then be assembled to retrieve the deer. Members hauling the carcass will express incredulity at the immense size of the animal and voice the fear of injuring their backs. This is intended to promote camaraderie and group cohesion.
9. A deer taken by a member may gain no more than 2 antler points per hunting year, with a 4-point maximum. To wit, a 6-pointer may be referred to as an 8-pointer the following season, and a 10-pointer the season after, but will never become a 12-pointer no matter how long the hunter lives.
10. Peeing off the porch is prohibited during daylight hours. Peeing off the south end of porch after dark is permitted provided no members are sleeping in impact zone.
11. Any boy shooting his first buck will, at that evening’s dinner, be given the choice of eating either the right or left testicle of the buck. Cook will serve 2 hush puppies of not less than 3 inches diameter each to the boy. After a suitable silence, boy’s father or guardian will say, “Hell, I’ll make it easy for you, son,” and consume one hush puppy whole. He will then smack his lips and declare, “Now that’s a good testicle!”
12. All poker debts incurred after 9 p.m. are to be rolled one decimal point to the left. Thus, $100 becomes $10, $1,000 becomes $100, etc.
13. Cellphones will be confiscated and dropped down the most-used hole in the outhouse, to be retrieved at their owners’ convenience.

Sure wish number 12 had been in place a few times as it would have saved me some money.

#1. Don't put Vaseline on your gun and keep it out of the oven.
#2. You are only allowed one call from your wife in deer camp. Either to tell her you got a deer or you didn't shoot yourself or fall out of the tree stand.
#3. What happens (yes, all the embarrassing moments) at camp, stays at camp.
#4: Don't forget the toilet paper.
#5. If you break Rule #4 you will have to use leaves. Don't use holly because it's kind of scratchy. Don't use poison ivy because it's kind of itchy. Above all don't use mistletoe because I'm not going to kiss it!
#6. The wife WILL NOT tend to your rashes/irritations if you break rules 4 and 5.
#7 If you forget your firearm at home, make sure you have an alibi (i.e., I borrowed Joe's extra rifle) when you get home, because she'll notice.
#8. Process/package your meat before bringing it home for the family to see-they'll never know the difference between chicken bought from a Vegas grocery store and true venison.
#9. Take frequent breaks to keep you hands warm when butchering a cold deer carcass. Yes your knife is sharp, and no, that is not the deer's blood
#10. If out in the woods hunting and mother nature calls, don't poo in the top of your coveralls. You won't be borrowing mine for the next days hunt

1. Never complain about the cook’s grub. They might actually tell you what they put in it.
2. Don’t be the first hunter to come back to camp because you’re cold. Deservingly so, this person should receive a great deal of harassment from the other hunters who all wished they were back toasty and warm near the camp stove.
3. Don’t bring your clothes and hunting gear to camp stored in garbage bags. Duffel bags tend to reduce the chances of getting old coffee grounds and food waste being thrown into your pseudo-luggage bag by mistake (or on purpose)?
4. Position your sleeping cot as far away from the bathroom door or tent entrance as possible. Is it necessary to elaborate on this one?
5. Don’t be the youngest person in camp. Always make sure there is someone more junior than you who has a stronger back for chopping and carrying heavy firewood (or a host of other menial tasks likely to be assigned by camp elders).
6. Beware the hunter who seems overly willing to let you use his favorite deer stand. What they’re failing to tell you is it was their favorite deer hunting stand a decade ago when it last witnessed a deer kill.
7. And finally, even if you get a cell phone signal NEVER TELL YOUR WORK. Let them continue to think how you’re hunting so deep into the woods reaching you by text or voice is simply not an option for the upcoming few days.

Lots of wisdom and lessons learned the hard way

FIFY