A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened?" You look terrible."

What do you mean? said the pirate, "I feel fine."

The bartender said, "What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

The pirate said, "Well we were in battle and I got hit with a cannonball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender said, "Well, okay but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?

The pirate said, "Well, we were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

The bartender said, "What about that eye patch?"

The pirate said, "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them sh*t in my eye."

The bartender said, "You're kidding, you lost your eye from bird sh*t?

The pirate said, "It was my first day with the hook."