When I worked in forestry, the chief ranger got a gag letter from one of his buds.

It read.

Dear Sir.

Allow me to introduce myself.
I am the right Reverend William Cardston and I travel the country preaching the evils of wine women and cards.

I had an assistant that used to sit on the stage while I preached, looking out at the congregation through bleary bloodshot eyes while he slobbered, belched, farted and picked his nose.

Unfortunately my assistant has died and your name was suggested as a worthy replacement.

Is this a position you would be interested in?

Thank you.

Signed Reverend William Cardston

Do for yourself as much as you can, eat what nature provides as much as you can. This is the key to sleeping well and living long.