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Home Caregivers for Dementia #8688212 09/15/22 03:00 PM
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Dalee7892 Offline OP
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This is just overwhelming for us. Wife and I are trying our best to take care of her sister at home, she has dementia. We are both in our middle 70's and she is close to 80. Elderly taking care of elderly.
Where do you start, What help is there so many questions and where do you go?
Anyone else dealing with this?

Re: Home Caregivers for Dementia [Re: Dalee7892] #8688245 09/15/22 03:54 PM
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I'm not much help besides a bump but I hope you get some relief...it's hard and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Prayers for you all Dalee.


Originally Posted by Phil Robertson
Don't let your ears hear what your eyes didn't see, and don't let your mouth say what your heart doesn't feel
Re: Home Caregivers for Dementia [Re: Dalee7892] #8688267 09/15/22 04:52 PM
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My wife and I (mostly my wife) have been taking care of my mom since my dad passed away 7 years ago. Almost 2 years ago my wife had to quit her job to take care of her full time. I wish I could tell you it's easy but its not, all you can do is keep them comfortable. Dont get frustrated and try not to argue with them, just agree and move on. Mom had a year or so that she started to get mean. Said some really rude/mean things to my wife but you have to realize it's not them, it's the horrible disease they have. It sucks but honestly, mom is really already gone even though she is still here with us, her mind just doesn't work like it used to. It's hard watching someone you love go through dementia. But I promised dad that she would be taken care of, and I intend to keep that promise. Good luck and if you have any specific questions, don't hesitate to ask, if I can help, I will.


Originally Posted by bill oxner
Haven't had it in years but never spit any out.


Originally Posted by bill oxner
I am a sucker for happy endings and strapped cowboys.
Re: Home Caregivers for Dementia [Re: Dalee7892] #8688268 09/15/22 04:54 PM
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I am in your shoes. I'm a little younger and 18 miles away from my mother. Supposedly they are trying to get me some drop by the house home health but so far nothing. It is about like taking care of a wild 4 year old that doesn't remember what you tell them. It is one of the biggest challenges I have ever faced that will just get harder.

Re: Home Caregivers for Dementia [Re: Dalee7892] #8688385 09/15/22 08:10 PM
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Re: Home Caregivers for Dementia [Re: Dalee7892] #8688397 09/15/22 08:36 PM
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'Hope the above PM has some good info. My mom had it for probably 10 years. She hid it really well in the beginning. We tried "Visiting Angels". They sent one of the most gorgeous young black women I have ever encountered in my life. Problem was, she was dumber 'n a box of rocks. We had to do the old lock all meds in a lockbox. (Mom took a whole bottle of Aleve one weekend. And don't get me started about her addiction to Ducolax.) We finally had to move her to a memory care facility. When it came time for her to need around the clock sitting, you couldn't depend on anyone to actually show up. My daughter worked with a nurse who's sister ran a home-setting elderly facility. They're Romanian. Apparently, it's kinda like east Indians running motels. It's what they do. Very Christian home, 800 yards as the crow flies behind my house. 1/3 the cost of the large chain memory care place and much better care. It took a little getting used to, but we still think we did our best by her. You might inquire if there's a Romanian church anywhere close by and I bet there's someone that runs a similar type place.

You're a saint for trying to help your sister-in-law. My wife's sister has 4 successful sons, spread all over the country, and we've made it clear that we're not taking care of her. She needs to move close to one of them. She's almost certainly bi-polar and my marriage couldn't take it. My wife agrees.

Prayers for God's peace for y'all.


...and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth. Gen. 1:28
Re: Home Caregivers for Dementia [Re: Dalee7892] #8688420 09/15/22 09:28 PM
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Find the closest support group. Alzheimer's Association provides information and support for family caregivers


Combat Infantryman, the ultimate hunter where the prey shoots back.
_____________"Illegitimus non carborundum est"_______________

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Re: Home Caregivers for Dementia [Re: CCBIRDDOGMAN] #8688445 09/15/22 10:01 PM
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Originally Posted by CCBIRDDOGMAN
My wife and I (mostly my wife) have been taking care of my mom since my dad passed away 7 years ago. Almost 2 years ago my wife had to quit her job to take care of her full time. I wish I could tell you it's easy but its not, all you can do is keep them comfortable. Dont get frustrated and try not to argue with them, just agree and move on. Mom had a year or so that she started to get mean. Said some really rude/mean things to my wife but you have to realize it's not them, it's the horrible disease they have. It sucks but honestly, mom is really already gone even though she is still here with us, her mind just doesn't work like it used to. It's hard watching someone you love go through dementia. But I promised dad that she would be taken care of, and I intend to keep that promise. Good luck and if you have any specific questions, don't hesitate to ask, if I can help, I will.


God bless you sir. My dad who is now 87, developed these exact symptoms about two years ago, and it was extremely hard on my mom who is 86. We finally put dad in a memory care facility. Dealing with this is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I'm resigned to the fact you just pray alot and figure out how to get through it. All the best to you guys.

Re: Home Caregivers for Dementia [Re: Dalee7892] #8688560 09/16/22 12:24 AM
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Prayer for all.

Re: Home Caregivers for Dementia [Re: Dalee7892] #8688902 09/16/22 01:36 PM
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First off, you are fine people for doing this. This will probably be the hardest thing you’ve done in your life. My wife has always taken care of her mother, but we had to move her in with us for her last 5 years or so. My wife should get a nursing degree for the amount of actual medical care she administered. Last couple of years the dementia took over. The only saving grace is she was too frail to cause herself harm. Take all the help your family offers because it’ll be a 24/7 job. My wife’s family was pretty absent for real help but did help with her expenses some. MIL was 97 when she passed peacefully in her bed at our house.
Wishing all involved the very best.


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Re: Home Caregivers for Dementia [Re: Dalee7892] #8689221 09/16/22 06:57 PM
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Thanks. But it's literally been just us two since dad died, my sister and two nieces might see her twice a year and not once have any of them offered to come stay with her so we could get a break from it. I go hunt a few times a year but my wife hasn't been gone from here even once for more than 1/2 day in 7-8 years. But we wouldn't have it any other way. Only thing I am worried about is, I know my wife is going to be the one to find her when it's time, that doesn't sit well with me but we'll get through it.


Originally Posted by bill oxner
Haven't had it in years but never spit any out.


Originally Posted by bill oxner
I am a sucker for happy endings and strapped cowboys.
Re: Home Caregivers for Dementia [Re: Dalee7892] #8689233 09/16/22 07:18 PM
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Its just my wife and i taking care of her sister. A sister lives in Washington state, Assisted Living. A granddaughter whom is pregnat. So its just us.
Trying to find any kind of assistance from agencies is ridiculous. We are on SS as so is the sister.

Re: Home Caregivers for Dementia [Re: Dalee7892] #8689282 09/16/22 08:50 PM
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Yeah most of the help offered is not really help and you have spend more time than you have, jumping through hoops to get it.


Originally Posted by bill oxner
Haven't had it in years but never spit any out.


Originally Posted by bill oxner
I am a sucker for happy endings and strapped cowboys.
Re: Home Caregivers for Dementia [Re: Dalee7892] #8689453 09/17/22 12:51 AM
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Going through this right now with my mom. She wants to be independant but doesn’t drive and knows she can’t get anywhere on her own. She knows she has memory issues and calls me or my siblings 15-20 time a day to ask how to get dressed or do basic things. She also flat out refuses to live with anyone or move into an assisted living center.
She has the memory of a goldfish but the doctors don’t not deem her a danger to herself or others and will not administer an official cognitive test without her consent.
We have just told her she is getting home health care 3 days a week and didn’t give her a choice.
I think we are up to about $2k a month in home health care right now. It because of her issues they want almost another 1K. .
My oldest sister is 20 min away and sees her the most. My youngest sister and I are about 3.5 hours away and spend time with her as much as we can. My brother is 1 hour away and never goes to see her or talks with her at all.
You can see the progression and is sucks badly to watch this disease completely transform a person into someone you no longer recognize.



Funny thing about getting older:
Your eyesight starts getting weaker but your ability to
see through people's BS gets much better.
Re: Home Caregivers for Dementia [Re: Dalee7892] #8689468 09/17/22 01:07 AM
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Get her to a neurologist. And you're going to have to move her. No sense in putting it off. It'll be ugly, but it has to be done.


...and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth. Gen. 1:28
Re: Home Caregivers for Dementia [Re: Creekrunner] #8689486 09/17/22 01:26 AM
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Originally Posted by Creekrunner
Get her to a neurologist. And you're going to have to move her. No sense in putting it off. It'll be ugly, but it has to be done.


Easier said than done. State elder laws are very protective for the elderly. Unless there is a clear medical or endangerment reason, the elder must give consent to a cognitive test. That test is required to start any proceedings. Most doctors are very cautious with this step.
Unless the elder decides to do it on their own, there is not much you can do but wait until they are an endangerment to themselves or they receive the cognitive test because a situation makes it necessary.

We have had those conversations with her doctors after an illness earlier this year when mom was admitted to the hospital. We have medical POA and the doc deemed her incapable of making decisions for her self. However once she was back to a lucid state and the doc determined she should not go home…. He ordered her to rehab for physical strengthening, he washed his hands off the cognitive test. The doc at rehab refused to do it because she was only there for physical stuff, not mental issues and needed her consent, which she refused.

Very frustrating.


Funny thing about getting older:
Your eyesight starts getting weaker but your ability to
see through people's BS gets much better.
Re: Home Caregivers for Dementia [Re: Dalee7892] #8689546 09/17/22 02:26 AM
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I can certainly relate to most of what has been written above by others.

My Wife's Mother (now 86) is clearly beginning to show signs of dementia. I've been saying so the past 2 years but other family members have been reluctant to accept it. Now however...the is NO doubt. She has days or parts of days where she is quite lucid. Other days she is very 'foggy'.....can not remember things, doesn't make sense when she talks or appears to be miles away in thought other times.

Her husband is still mentally sharp, just very hard of hearing and in failing health. Unable to care for her in any appreciable way. My wife and I live close by and are the only family members able to see and check on them regularly. We are both in our late 60's, in relatively good health and very committed to seeing they are provided the best care as this thing progresses.

But yes, it is very sad to see the vivacious person you once knew....degrade in such a way. My Mother-in-Law is also one who is still fighting to be 'independent' despite recognizing she has mental degradation. So that in itself....presents many problems.

My sympathies to all who are suffering the effects of this disease (those with the affliction and those providing care). Do your best to take it day by day.

Last edited by flintknapper; 09/17/22 02:28 AM.

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Re: Home Caregivers for Dementia [Re: Dalee7892] #8689660 09/17/22 11:14 AM
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Prayers lifted for all of y'all dealing with this. My wife is going through this with her mother but we are fortunate her dad is healthy and can take care of her. She no longer cooks as she has apparently forgotten how and it frustrates her to no end. I am most worried about her driving as she has forgotten how to get home on a few occasions even though they have programmed the GPS in the car.


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Sounds like a nice stick Fitz.

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Re: Home Caregivers for Dementia [Re: Dalee7892] #8689712 09/17/22 01:16 PM
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I’m 79 and last year went through some really nasty gut surgery. 25 days in ICU and then released with very little muscle tone due to laying in a hospital bed. Could barely walk and no upper body strength. Bought a cane to keep from falling. When the Doc said I was ok but need to be careful, I started walking a mile away and working out. I’ve gotten all of my arms and upper body in better shape than they have been for years. But, started getting some leg weakness and pain in thighs. Now, having trouble walking more than 100 yards. Neurologist has no idea why. His only possible idea is that the effects of the polio I had as a small child is possibly returning. It weakened my legs and I had to learn how to walk again. He said to be careful and don’t overdo anything.

I researched it and found that this is happening to other survivors. Several have recently died with this problem but that could easily be coincidental due to age and lack of recent activity.

I see the biggest problem in the “be careful” idea. I’m pushing myself almost to the “Hold my beer and watch this” stage. Yep, the legs hurt from the exercises and long walks but I don’t want to look over my shoulder and see the old man catching up to me.

Last edited by Dave Davidson; 09/17/22 01:18 PM.

Without a sense of urgency, nothing ever happens.

Boy, if I say "sic em", you'd better look for something to bite. Sam Shelley, Rancher Muleshoe Texas 1892-1985 RIP
Re: Home Caregivers for Dementia [Re: Dalee7892] #8689714 09/17/22 01:24 PM
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^^^Don't look over your shoulder then Dave! Keep fighting with everything you've got. You're an inspiration. up


...and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth. Gen. 1:28
Re: Home Caregivers for Dementia [Re: Creekrunner] #8689720 09/17/22 01:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Creekrunner
^^^Don't look over your shoulder then Dave! Keep fighting with everything you've got. You're an inspiration. up


X2


Funny thing about getting older:
Your eyesight starts getting weaker but your ability to
see through people's BS gets much better.
Re: Home Caregivers for Dementia [Re: Dalee7892] #8689733 09/17/22 02:09 PM
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Sorry you guys are going through this. It’s really hard to see the ones you love experience it. A few years back we got a real up close and personal with my wife’s mom. She broke both hips in falls (about 2 years apart), and after the second one was when it started setting in. We’ve read that being under for surgeries can jump start things… and it really did.

We started down the brain doctor route, but it didn’t go well due to her being scared of the mri. It wasn’t long and she was in assisted living right by the house. She started thinking the nurses were out to kill her and was concocting all these horrible things in her mind. We hired a daily nurse to come, but then she thought that lady was also trying to kill her. Was t long and she was moved to memory care. And finally she went to be with the Lord after about a year of that.

It’s a horrible disease of the mind. You guys going through it now are in my prayers.


Re: Home Caregivers for Dementia [Re: Dalee7892] #8690296 09/18/22 02:45 PM
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I’ve had relatives go through Alzheimer’s. It’s what I call a family disease because everybody is affected.


Without a sense of urgency, nothing ever happens.

Boy, if I say "sic em", you'd better look for something to bite. Sam Shelley, Rancher Muleshoe Texas 1892-1985 RIP
Re: Home Caregivers for Dementia [Re: Dalee7892] #8690435 09/18/22 06:32 PM
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Went through this with my sister AND her husband. I had to find separate homes for them as he turned abusive. Paul Markowitz finds Memory care homes for people to live. He's a great guy and can find a home for about any budget. He is paid by the home, so there is no finder's fee for you.

Paul Markowitz, 214-929-5055 Tell him Buzz Skinner sent you.


SPACE FOR RENT


Re: Home Caregivers for Dementia [Re: Dalee7892] #8690463 09/18/22 07:41 PM
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Another thing I'm facing is Sundowners syndrome. It's a nice added bonus to daily life about 6 pm

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