Throw out some wild B.S. story that will get the softer side of the THF riled up and the cool side laughing.

He turned Friday into Saturday.

Show us your mask...

Oh Lord. I just poured myself a Tito's & Topo Chico w/lime & off work till Monday night, the weekend has begun.

I'll play. I told this story on here years ago, will tell again. This is a true story (long story).


PART ONE)

When I was married to my first wife, I kinda became a big brother/father figure to my wife's little brothers. Had a soft spot for those boys. Their dad never had anything to do with them, and their step dad was/is a complete psychopath that actually tried putting out "toe poppers" (pipe bombs) on game trails the first and last time I took him deer hunting. During that period I was guiding on the weekends on two different ranches. Often times on the 6,000 acre ranch a big boar hog would take over a feeder. Literally slept under it and ran off all the deer. Not a good thing when you have paid hunters coming in for a trophy whitetail. Whenever we had a problem like this, I would take care of it in short order. So, the boss man calls me and said there's another big azz boar camped out on feeder 7, we have hunters coming in this weekend. Kill that boar - roger that! My youngest brother in law had only ever killed a jackrabbit, and I wanted him to shoot this pig. I asked permission, boss was hesitant about a guest, but agreed once I reassured him I would be backing him up and he would never leave my side. So we're off. I take this boy and arm him with my trusty old Savage 243, I grab a Remington pump 30-06 that belonged to his Grandfather just because. We have the ranch to ourselves. I left my Blazer and took the Toyota because it was lower to the ground & easier for one person to load up animals. Spotted the pig down the sendero at 500 yrds and put a stalk on him. The brush was thick downwind but was a good learning experience for this young man. Finally, we slowly approached the feeder and was 50 yrds from this big boar hog that was sleeping under the feeder. I gave him a good rest, but he was shaking and couldn't pull the trigger. Said it was too far. OK, we're gonna get low and creep nice & quiet like....got him within 30 yrds....still too far.....I was about to pull rank, but this pig was sleeping hard and I kinda wanted to see just how close we could get. Slowly, we belly crawled up behind a thick huisache 15 yrds from the pig. Boy cracked a twig and woke ol' big boy up. The boar jumped straight to his feet broadside to us. That's it, we are killing him now, on 3. Boy is shaking....1....2....bam. I reload and stayed on him while he gives up the ghost. Boy was so nervous he never pulled the trigger LOL. He thought he did, but he didn't. I put a 30-06 round in the porker's caveza. Hell, I could have done that from way down the sendero instead of spending an hour stalking in close LOL, but we made a good memory that day and was well worth the time..



PART 2)

I should have drug the dang thing back to camp, but he was groceries so I didn't want to drag him. Back then I cleaned every single pig killed and would quarter and donate what I didn't have room for. This pig was a no BS legit 350 lbs (my 2'nd biggest ever), and I threw my back out getting him loaded. I have 3 dislocated discs in my lower back, and I had just herniated one again and was in excruciating pain BUT.....I was trying to be tuff and not show weakness in front of my guest. Got him loaded and off to camp we go. The boy had ONE job, don't let this big SOB fall out of the truck while we're going up hill. Just holler and beat on the roof if he starts sliding out and I'll stop. I'm driving slow crawling through holes and all of a sudden I feel the [censored] end of the truck lift up, and then "bam bam bam" on the roof. A little late there pard..........SMH. Pig fell out. So, with a hurt back I finally manage to get this big guy loaded back up and we make it to camp. Now I'm really in pain, but this is a big memory for him so on we go......I back the truck up under the A frame, get big boy hanging, and get to work on him. Cell phones were pretty new then but I had one, and it started ringing & ringing. I put the knife down & answered. Now, my wife stayed pizzed off at me because if I wasn't working I was playing music, hunting, or fishing. That's just the way it was (wish I would have done things a little different). So I answer the phone and yes it's the typical pizzed off bisshing wife but this time there was added urgency in her voice. My baby girl had a history of respiratory problems that would flare up from time to time, and it was time again. The wife said Savannah's having a hard time breathing and we are at Driscoll Children's Hospital in Corpus. You need to get here NOW! OK, I'm finishing here and driving straight there. I thought about dumping the boar, but nope I was way too hard headed for that. He's gonna get cleaned and hung in the walk in cooler before we blast out of here. I could clean a pig pretty quick, but now was the time to be super quick. So I'm getting after it and thinking about my baby girl, I cut around his testiculars and his Nogales Prairie and commence to pulling. Pulling too hard, and too fast in my haste. I soon discovered, that gun was loaded Son....and I do mean loaded. I pulled just right and got shot in the face with a full load of boar jizzum. It was in my eye, my nose, in my mouth, on my lips, in my ear, and on my neck and forehead. I dropped the knife and ran straight to the water hose. It was COLD, and that cold water HURT as I sprayed my face and the inside of my mouth for I don't know how long. I pretty much lost all track of time at that point. Now I had a hurt back, just got violated by a big boar hog, was soaking wet and COLD, but I got it done and got him in the cooler. Told the boy I will come back soon and get him, and I will show him what to do with it.



Part 3)

I make it to the hospital. God I hate hospitals. The ER was freakin' packed with sick people, and then I found the angry face of my wife and my poor little baby girl not feeling well. She had saved a seat for me, so I told her brother to find a seat somewhere or go take a nap in the truck. She started in on me and like always just wouldn't quit. I am steady biting my tongue with her. I could barely walk because of the pain, and she was just laying into me. I stunk. I stunk pretty bad actually. I smelled like a big azz boar hog had just made me his bitch. I was dirty, stank, in pain, and really didn't wanna get bisshed at at that particular moment in my life. The folks next to me were covering their nose and giving me the stink eye. Hey lady, I don't wanna be here either OK. I'll deal with your kid coughing on me, you deal with my stank, aight! We waited for almost 3 hours in that ER with my baby girl slowly getting worse, struggling to breath. We FINALLY get seen by a doctor. Doctor was an Indian fellow (red dot) and smelled worse than I did. Good Lord. So he checks my daughter and then starts babbling about I don't know what because I can't understand this guy. Pretty sure I thought he said Slurpy a couple of times. It was important to me to have the ability to understand exactly what it was he was trying to say to me. I couldn't understand [censored]. I kept asking him to repeat himself because I honestly could not understand anything he was saying. Well, he didn't like repeating himself apparently and raised his voice at me. He shouldn't have done that. I won't repeat everything I said, but the point was I wanted a new doctor immediately. I needed a doctor that spoke f'n English. I'm holding my little girl who is struggling to breath and I can't understand the words that are coming out of his mouth. You wanna yell at me, you dirty azzhole! I lost my cool. I was tired and in pain and the wife never quit bishing at me about taking her brother hunting and taking so long to get all the way to Corpus. Anyway, they called Security on me. Whatever. Just give me a Doctor that speaks English. Was that too much to ask? We finally got seen by another doctor an hour later, and eventually made it home that morning.


Moral of the story is, no good deed goes unpunished.

evidently you have talents

Violated by a dead boar. Quite graphic and vivid. Thanks for that. I felt like I was there.

He never disappoints.

You should try it sometime. It's life changing.

Correct

Never pass on anything he cooks either.... never

Dear Penthouse.....

Good lord this guys good

This was greatness. BP and Judd want to know what the boar happy fluid tasted like on the group. You can post it here or just post it over there

oh [censored] that was good. Do it again.

That’s funny coming from the guy who’s had more duck sausage in his mouth than BP and I combined

I do not know who the duck you confused me with but I have no clue what you are talking about Sir.

It was a bit salty for me, to be honest with you.

Alright, who's next!

Tell some stories........

Call someone out skinner!!! I mean you got called out lol

This was F’N Epic. Hats off Sir.

I mean I really don’t know how anyone could follow that.... he literally got a bore hog facial. Not sure many stories live up to that.

You can't... Well wait... There is always the desert walker and his boyfriend

“ and his Nogales Prairie”

Wait what????