* Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

* I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

* I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

* Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

* I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone

* This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.

* So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?

* I went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

* My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

* I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

* Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

* Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under.

Number 1 and 3 for me.

#9