-------I CAN RELATE TO A LOT OF THESE







When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.




To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.




When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.




Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.”

Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”




Cop: “Please step out of the car”

Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”




I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.




I had my patience tested. I’m negative.




Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.




If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say

“Did you bring the money?”




When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.




Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is the new midnight.




I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.




I run like the winded.




I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.




When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”




I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning

tells me it was awesome.




When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?




I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.




When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”




It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.




Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.




That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.




Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever.

We call those people cops.




The older I get, the earlier it gets late.




My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

Well done Bill!

Greatness.

I can relate to a few of those.

I thought getting old would take a lot longer than this.

Nailed it................man that so nailed it.

I can relate to the last one...

I can relate to 90% of those.........how sad!