.When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
.To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
.When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time
between yesterday and 15 years ago.
.Interviewer: "So, tell me about yourself."
Me: "I'd rather not. I kinda want this job."
Cop: "Please step out of the car."
Me: "I'm too drunk. You get in."
.I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
.I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
.Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as
a Tupperware lid the doesn't fit any of your containers.
.If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to
you, just stare straight ahead and say "Did you bring the money?"
.When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing,"
it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
.Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.
.I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days,
.I run like the winded.
.I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the
beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
.When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint
and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
.I don't remember much from last night, but the fact that
I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells
me it was awesome.
.When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like
a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
.I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember
things and get really excited.
.When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
.It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
.Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring.
Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
.That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns
you into a karate master.
.Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta
nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever.
We call those people cops.
.The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
.My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.