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Colonoscopy preparation #7633513 10/15/19 10:06 PM
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mikei Offline OP
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What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate? I'm glad you asked...
12:05 pm: It's time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it's a lukewarm PBR and you don't want to be a wuss in front of your older brother's friends.
It's suppose to be grape flavored but it's becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day has never actually tasted anything grape in their life. You are already regretting this decision.
12:06 pm: You deep throat a cupcake like you've been saving it for the apocalypse because let's face it...that time is here. It's going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don't care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You're about to enter a very dark period in your life.
12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of impacted poo in your colon and you basically just drank the "safe for humans" version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it's time. You're wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser.
Take note...this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours.
12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it's boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you...you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can't run... NEVER run! You pray to god there is enough elasticity in your ahole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3...2...1...
12:58 pm: Sweet Mary, mother of God...is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The poo / water mixture you've just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down.
Is that blood?
False alarm.
That's just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving...last year. The smell is horrid...the sound is frightening. Children are crying. You try to clench whats left of your ahole to soften the blow but it's not working. The whole house just heard your liquid fart as it gurgled out of your bottom.
1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything's a blur. You have pooped out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800's, and your bottom now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it.
You're now curled up in the bathtub crying because you have to remain within arm's reach of the toilet at all times. You have the poop sweats.
You meet Jesus.
8:37 pm: Your family will never be able to unsee the things they've seen in the last 8 hours.
You're broken.
Your bottom broken.
Your spirit's broken.
Life as you know it will never be the same. But...tomorrow's a new day. You're going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that doesn't have a poop stain on it, and you're going to run up to Target with the last shred of dignity you have left...and buy yourself a new toilet brush. You've earned it.

Re: Colonoscopy preparation [Re: mikei] #7633516 10/15/19 10:12 PM
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TXGUNNER308 Online Content
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Funny as hell! You described my experience last year to a T. roflmao


Initial Success or Total Failure

Re: Colonoscopy preparation [Re: mikei] #7633517 10/15/19 10:13 PM
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texasag93 Online Content
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💩

Re: Colonoscopy preparation [Re: mikei] #7633518 10/15/19 10:13 PM
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Jimbo1 Offline
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Well articulated!

Re: Colonoscopy preparation [Re: mikei] #7633528 10/15/19 10:23 PM
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reeltexan Online Content
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that's weird.
I didn't have any problems like that.


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"Count that day lost whose low, descending sun
Is not, in part, obscured by powder from my gun"
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Re: Colonoscopy preparation [Re: mikei] #7633532 10/15/19 10:25 PM
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Espy Online Content
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Thats funny flush rofl

Re: Colonoscopy preparation [Re: mikei] #7633553 10/15/19 10:45 PM
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bill oxner Online Content
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Seen it several times.


Quail hunting is like walking into, and out of a beautiful painting all day long. Gene Hill


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Re: Colonoscopy preparation [Re: mikei] #7633554 10/15/19 10:45 PM
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And....chicken broth is suddenly a delicacy.

Re: Colonoscopy preparation [Re: mikei] #7633565 10/15/19 10:51 PM
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beaversnipe Offline
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Or just 1 bean thang from Allsups will do

Re: Colonoscopy preparation [Re: mikei] #7633566 10/15/19 10:51 PM
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One of those slight unpleasantries that can save your life, or extend it if you've been a hard headed idiot & put it off too long.

Re: Colonoscopy preparation [Re: mikei] #7634032 10/16/19 02:47 PM
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eeks333

bolt


Re: Colonoscopy preparation [Re: mikei] #7634143 10/16/19 04:06 PM
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flush


bolt
Re: Colonoscopy preparation [Re: mikei] #7635537 10/18/19 01:09 AM
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Humorous take on an unpleasant situation.

Re: Colonoscopy preparation [Re: mikei] #7635577 10/18/19 01:46 AM
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Rglover Offline
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LMAO

Re: Colonoscopy preparation [Re: mikei] #7635606 10/18/19 02:21 AM
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One would think with today's technology there would be an easier method, instead of blowing your insides out for a Colonoscopy.




muyloco flush up

Re: Colonoscopy preparation [Re: mikei] #7648641 10/31/19 10:06 PM
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colt45 Offline
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been there, its not fun


hold on Newt, we got a runaway
Re: Colonoscopy preparation [Re: mikei] #7648909 11/01/19 03:24 AM
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fmrmbmlm Offline
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On Monday

Re: Colonoscopy preparation [Re: mikei] #7654093 11/06/19 07:39 PM
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I just rejoined the THF, just now after being gone for five or so years and read this thread....Laughed so hard I threw up!


Originally Posted by cody
I've never been a fan of having something on fire in my pocket.
Re: Colonoscopy preparation [Re: mikei] #7658991 11/11/19 11:20 PM
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My colon cleansing before my colonoscopy involved a product called Movie Prep, definitely not something to drink before going to the movie theater. I remember the instructions in bold capital letters
[b][/b] IT IS RECOMMENDED TO GENTLY DAUB THE SPHINCTER WHILE CLEANING ONESELF TO PREVENT PAPER CUTS.
Of course, i read that about halfway through the cleansing


All we're really given is the sunshine and your name.
Kenny Chesney - Get Along
Re: Colonoscopy preparation [Re: mikei] #7660808 11/13/19 04:54 PM
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lol35


Sometimes it's hard being me! But somebody has to do it.
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