Pick one.


Paddy went to the bank for a loan. The teller says, "I'm sorry but the loan arranger isn't in today”. “Ok” Paddy replies, "I'll speak to Tonto if he is in”

I watched a dog chase its tail for 5 min and I thought, "Dogs are easily entertained.” Then I realized, I watched a dog chase its tail for 5 min.

Cleaning the attic I burned all of my 007 memorabilia last night. It made a huge Bond fire.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

Walmart is putting Dental Offices in some of its remodeled store. There will be express lanes for people with 12 teeth or less.

My wife is furious at our next door neighbour. Personally, I'm on the fence.

A truck loaded with Vicks Vapor Rub overturned on the highway. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.

A friend of mine wanted to start collecting dogs. I gave him a couple of pointers.

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator.

A friend of mine works for a company that makes bikes. He’s their spokesman.

A new study found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

A friend of mine owned a balloon company, but he had to close it. Couldn’t keep up with the cost of inflation.

Worst job I had was ironing cowboy shirts. Howdy pressing.

I’ve got a friend who is a lighthouse keeper. Only does basic ironing.

What happens when a frog’s car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.

I started lifting large dictionaries instead of weights. Already starting to see more definition.

Why does a moon-rock taste better than an earth-rock? Because it's a little meteor.

Bread is like the sun? It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

When Jacques was asked which composers he plagiarised, he responded, "Offen, Bach."

Just got back from an audition. They were casting 13 people to be clouds. 14 showed up. It was overcast.

My friends get mad when I steal their kitchen utensils. But it's a whisk I am willing to take.

I just found out my best friend has been a mime artist for years. I said "Wow, you kept that quiet"

“I was addicted to the hokey pokey”. Thankfully, I turned myself around.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back

Winner.

Oof

I groaned a lot reading those. Wife thought I was sick.

Lol

"investigator" was my favorite