[quote=Brother in-law]Cops and fireman like to dig under the fence.

I’ve always heard y’all would jump the fence. Guess it depends on athletic ability.

I am real. I know more about real than you ever will.

Yep - my ex pulled that bull with me, twice - I was not gonna make that stuff a lifestyle or career. Not worth the mental battle.

I agree. I believe infidelity is as much a part of a person's DNA as anything else about them. Some have even claimed such people are driven by a genetic desire to spread their genes with multiple partners. And just like what is common in the animal kingdom, there are those who choose a single partner and mate for life.

A firm and steadfast belief that quitting will never be an option will ensure no action will ever be taken that could end a marriage. A belief that that divorce is viable is a crack in any marriage.

Dan are you saying that infidelity is not just cause for divorce?

Having been through one, I believe that the old "it can't happen to me" belief, is just as dangerous. It doesn't discriminate by age, race, religion...or how long you've been married. Put her on a pedestal as best you can (I often fail miserably in this department) and hope for the best.

Not at all. I'm saying you will refuse to act in ways that can result in divorce when you refuse to view it as an acceptable option. It was never acceptable to me that my wife and kids might one day be staying under another man's roof. And even though the kids are all out of the house and on their own now, it's something that continues to influence my behavior towards my wife. We are the decisions we make. People who cheat have made the decision to put their spouse and kids on a back burner. And that is something people always do willfully, just as always keeping your spouse and kids your top priority is a willful decision.

Now as for giving advice to someone going through the situation in the OP, I would refuse to get involved and let the two of them work it out. My comments were directed more at those looking for their best shot at not letting it happen to them.

Cheating should be left to poker players.

Not always the case. Some people cheat BECAUSE their spouse put them on the back burner. Like a poster mentioned above a life of celibacy and loneliness is no way to live. I know a guy who cheated because their spouse refused to be intimate after having their kid because of hormone imbalance and refused to go to counceling or a doctor to deal with it. He loved her and wanted to be with only her, but after so long his physical needs were not being met. He was miserable for years before he finally did it. As far as I know she doesn't know and their initial problems continue.

The Bible says nothing to that effect. Divorce is a product of sin, not a sin in itself. You wouldn't ask for forgiveness for the divorce; you'd ask for forgiveness for a sin that caused the divorce. The two circumstances you mentioned are where someone committed no sin to cause a divorce; thus are permitted.

Frankly, I think divorce is the only option after cheating. God knows in his infinite wisdom that the marriage will never be whole; which is why he permits divorce on these grounds. That speaks volumes.

The Bible gives two clear grounds for divorce: (1) sexual immorality (Matthew 5:32; 19:9) and (2) abandonment by an unbeliever (1 Corinthians 7:15). Even in these two instances, though, divorce is not required or even encouraged. The most that can be said is that sexual immorality and abandonment are grounds (an allowance) for divorce. Confession, forgiveness, reconciliation, and restoration are always the first steps. Divorce should only be viewed as a last resort.

There are your references, copied from GotAnswers.org.

I believe it boils down to willpower and self control.

I don't believe in Sex Addiction is a disease. I don't believe alcoholism is a disease. I believe people lack the willpower to control there actions ( or simply don't care to control them ). For what its worth, my parents were in AA for 30+ years so I know all about 12 step programs.

I believe in the case of infidelity it boils down majority of the time to attention. For women, there may be a minority that are true nymphomaniac types, but by and large, from all the woman that I have known that cheated on spouses or significant others ( and I know a bunch ) it was all over attention/the need to feel wanted and they took it to the next level. Some times the husband was inattentive and in his own world, other times not, they were married to good guys who treated them well, but in their mind it wasn't enough.

So they go to the office, flirt with a co-worker, have a old HS boyfriend hit them up on Facebook, etc, then it goes from there to meeting up for drinks after work, lunch dates, etc. etc. Eventually they get caught or guilt gets them and they fess up and they are sorry at the time they got caught, promise to change, etc. etc. and after the dust settles they are back to doing it again, because they need the attention. For women, I have found most cheating has very little to do with sex....its all about wanting attention from someone.

Women by and large cheat because of the attention it brings.

Men cheat because of ego.

Being tall, or chubby or hairy is in a persons DNA. Having a moral compass, will power and the ability to discern right from wrong is not genetic.


All that crap about "oh its genetic they can't help themselves" is just a justification for bad behavior. I feel the same thing about alcoholism and drug addiction. I have several alcoholics in my family, grandfather was an alcoholic, mom is a alcoholic, several uncles are.

They all drink to escape there problems, not because they are genetically pre-disposed to being drunks. Grandpa finally got tired of it, and at age 65, put down the beer, whiskey and the cigarettes and didn't let either touch his lips until he died at age 84. And he never went to one AA meeting, support group, etc. ( nothing wrong with those at all, this is just an example of willpower) he wanted to stop, so he manned up and did it.

Cheaters get high off the euphoria surrounding the relationship, even though its wrong.

I am real. I know more about real than you ever will.[/quote]


This is not a criticism, but how do you make that statement. You can never prove a negative. The moment this type of statement is made, the discussion is over and one making it loses.

How is this a discussion.

Either you will accept being cheated on or you won’t. Nuff said.

People involved in this type of situation have to have assistance. Either way there is too much emotion to make rational decisions. Someone or something has to be the argument breaker. These situations can go badly quick. The person helping should be willing to truly help both. For whatever reason infidelity happens it is a result of two things. One, something is missing and two, someone makes a very bad choice in an effort to find what is missing.

Again, we have so debased what true love is today that many people have no idea what it actually requires. We think love should be perfect. All fun and excitement. It is not. Loving a spouse in true love is just as hard as raising a child, both are he hardest thing you will ever do if done correctly. Today everyone relies on feelings. How do I feel? How does it make me feel? Those change a lot. Real Love does not.

I've been away so I'm coming to this post days late. And, I read about a third of the responses. Some I really appreciate and some I completely disagree with.

I OWN THIS T-Shirt. Toughest experience of my life with struggles that lasted for years. FIRST, If both parties are willing to get on their knees and place GOD in the middle, there's hope. Professional Christian counseling worked wonders. The healing powers of Jesus can heal broken hearts and repair trust. But, it takes time and focus on the main thing. Like my old football coach said on a routine basis, "It takes two to tango, and that means you and her." When looking introspectively and honestly I found the problems in our relationship were as much, if not more, on me than on her. And, heading down the home stretch of 40 years of marriage, it's the bumps in the road that strengthen our relationship. I know it's twisted, but that's the way its worked for us.

Be a friend, but you can't advise a dang thing except for LOVE, Faith, and Hope.

That's my experienced opinion.

Best to stay out if it and be a sounding board. I have a very good friend that went through this. Typical deal... he busts his arse working 80+ hours a week to provide for his wife, biological daughter they have together, and a daughter she had from a previous marriage.

Long story short, wife goes ape chit, blames him for everything, left him middle of the day to move in with another guy. Served with divorce papers the same day. Never tried to talk it out, just left.

All I did was talk to him. Sure I told him what I would have done, but didn't recommend he do the same. Just spoke for myself. Well, maybe I should have voiced my opinion a bit better. The new guy dumped her and they started what the kids these day refer to as "booty calls" I think. She gets pregnant and they got back together. He said the same as a lot of folks... he did it for the kids.

They ended up having two sons in a little over a year. Within a year of his second son being born she went ape again. Now they have 3 kids together that are all torn apart by divorce... a second time. The kids are a mess. I had lunch with him last week and he was telling me all about it. I can't imagine. First, what a crappy person she is, but then to add to it being a terrible mother to their kids and having your hands tied.

I would have never given her the chance. Once that cat is out the bag there is no going back. Even for the kids, it doesn't make sense.

I went to exactly one "group" divorce counseling. It was just too dam depressing listening to other folks' stories. They made my situation look like a walk in the park. I don't look down on them at all, it's just incredible the kinds of messes humans can get themselves in. Loneliness, in all it's forms, sexual and otherwise, is a powerful and very scary force of nature.

Without a doubt.

This is not a criticism, but how do you make that statement. You can never prove a negative. The moment this type of statement is made, the discussion is over and one making it loses.
[/quote]

Thanks for the so called non-criticism.

The discussion is over when posters start stating that alcoholism/sexaholism etc are not diseases. Sure is nice to see how many here don't give a flying f$%k about those who are trying to overcome their problems. Since I have been on my journey I have encountered many like them, most who emphatically label themselves as Christians, followers of Christ.

I'm not trying to prove a ngative, and I really don't see your claim. I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I have not lost anything. I have gained it all back.

Unless you are in a twelve step program you will never understand, neither will the "christians" I referred to.

Yeah those groups can mirror talking to old war vets who remember the day, time and weather conditions when they got wounded.

Sounds like there is plenty of bad decisions and blame to spread all around there.

If your gonna fall into a snap trap, at least make it a new to you trap, not a old rusty one you already fell into

Yeah, I know......

You were referring to divorce as being a sin God wouldn't forgive, except in those two areas. I pointed out that's not the case since God forgives every sin believers repent of, and divorce in itself isn't a sin.