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A small note of thanks to everyone on my email list
#7097179
03/01/18 12:44 PM
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Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 7,045
mikei
OP
THF Trophy Hunter
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OP
THF Trophy Hunter
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 7,045 |
As we progress into 2018, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.
I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me..
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..
Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician! Oh, and by the way... A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..
NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY...
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Re: A small note of thanks to everyone on my email list
[Re: mikei]
#7097256
03/01/18 01:53 PM
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Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 3,018
Bar-D
Veteran Tracker
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Veteran Tracker
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 3,018 |
I'm don't think I can go on now..................I'm sure I'm doomed.
Last edited by Bar-D; 03/01/18 01:54 PM.
People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf
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Re: A small note of thanks to everyone on my email list
[Re: mikei]
#7097266
03/01/18 02:04 PM
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Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 2,981
pertnear
"Demolition Man"
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"Demolition Man"
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 2,981 |
"Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past.” - George Orwell
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Re: A small note of thanks to everyone on my email list
[Re: pertnear]
#7097657
03/01/18 06:35 PM
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Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 65,416
SnakeWrangler
THF Celebrity
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THF Celebrity
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 65,416 |
I believe in science and I’m an insufferable [censored] Actually, BBC is pretty damn good "You Cannot Simultaneously Be Politically Correct And Intellectually Honest!"
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Re: A small note of thanks to everyone on my email list
[Re: mikei]
#7098747
03/02/18 04:27 PM
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Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,706
pigplinker
Veteran Tracker
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Veteran Tracker
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,706 |
I will have change my ways. Oh hell I'm to old to do that now.
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Re: A small note of thanks to everyone on my email list
[Re: mikei]
#7099746
03/03/18 02:05 PM
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Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 8,255
Dave Davidson
THF Trophy Hunter
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THF Trophy Hunter
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 8,255 |
Mike, you are on a roll. Thanx and keep rolling.
Without a sense of urgency, nothing ever happens.
Boy, if I say "sic em", you'd better look for something to bite. Sam Shelley, Rancher Muleshoe Texas 1892-1985 RIP
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Re: A small note of thanks to everyone on my email list
[Re: mikei]
#7102269
03/06/18 02:10 AM
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Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 960
Gary Olson
Tracker
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Tracker
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 960 |
Perfect,sounds like the gun range is the safest place.
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