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A small note of thanks to everyone on my email list #7097179 03/01/18 12:44 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 7,045
M
mikei Offline OP
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Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 7,045

As we progress into 2018, I want to thank you for
your educational e-mails over the past year. I am
totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using
a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in
my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on
the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can
only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
driving because the number one pastime while driving alone
is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I
can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have
consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed
it on the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up
in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes
seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me..



I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with
calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me
instant death when it bites my butt.



And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a
dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably
placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten
by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.



If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s
ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
beautician!

Oh, and by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out
of the toilet..



NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY...

Re: A small note of thanks to everyone on my email list [Re: mikei] #7097256 03/01/18 01:53 PM
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 3,018
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Bar-D Offline
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I'm don't think I can go on now..................I'm sure I'm doomed.

Last edited by Bar-D; 03/01/18 01:54 PM.

People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf
Re: A small note of thanks to everyone on my email list [Re: mikei] #7097266 03/01/18 02:04 PM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 2,981
pertnear Online Content
"Demolition Man"
Online Content
"Demolition Man"
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 2,981
clap confused2 clap


"Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past.” - George Orwell
Re: A small note of thanks to everyone on my email list [Re: pertnear] #7097657 03/01/18 06:35 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 65,416
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SnakeWrangler Online Content
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Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 65,416
Originally Posted By: pertnear
clap confused2 clap


Originally Posted by Sneaky
I believe in science and I’m an insufferable [censored]
Originally Posted by beaversnipe
Actually, BBC is pretty damn good

"You Cannot Simultaneously Be Politically Correct And Intellectually Honest!"
Re: A small note of thanks to everyone on my email list [Re: mikei] #7098747 03/02/18 04:27 PM
Joined: Aug 2011
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pigplinker Offline
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eeks333 I will have change my ways. Oh hell I'm to old to do that now.

Re: A small note of thanks to everyone on my email list [Re: mikei] #7099746 03/03/18 02:05 PM
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 8,255
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Dave Davidson Offline
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Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 8,255
Mike, you are on a roll. Thanx and keep rolling.


Without a sense of urgency, nothing ever happens.

Boy, if I say "sic em", you'd better look for something to bite. Sam Shelley, Rancher Muleshoe Texas 1892-1985 RIP
Re: A small note of thanks to everyone on my email list [Re: mikei] #7102269 03/06/18 02:10 AM
Joined: Jan 2013
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Gary Olson Offline
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Perfect,sounds like the gun range is the safest place.

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