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Mar 25th, 2012
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A small note of thanks to everyone on my email list #7097179
03/01/18 12:44 PM
03/01/18 12:44 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 3,778
Mason, TX
M
mikei Online content OP
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mikei  Online Content OP
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Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 3,778
Mason, TX

As we progress into 2018, I want to thank you for
your educational e-mails over the past year. I am
totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using
a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in
my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on
the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can
only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
driving because the number one pastime while driving alone
is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I
can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have
consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed
it on the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up
in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes
seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me..



I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with
calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me
instant death when it bites my butt.



And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a
dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably
placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten
by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.



If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s
ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
beautician!

Oh, and by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out
of the toilet..



NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY...

Re: A small note of thanks to everyone on my email list [Re: mikei] #7097256
03/01/18 01:53 PM
03/01/18 01:53 PM
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,867
The Lone Star State
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Bar-D Online content
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Bar-D  Online Content
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Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 1,867
The Lone Star State
I'm don't think I can go on now..................I'm sure I'm doomed.

Last edited by Bar-D; 03/01/18 01:54 PM.

People Sleep Peacefully in Their Beds at Night Only Because Rough Men Stand Ready to Do Violence on Their Behalf
Re: A small note of thanks to everyone on my email list [Re: mikei] #7097266
03/01/18 02:04 PM
03/01/18 02:04 PM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 617
Kingsland, TX
P
pertnear Offline
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pertnear  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 617
Kingsland, TX
clap confused2 clap


Visit my fictional blog "The dr Chronicles" about a laid-back Texan named dr - Enjoy!

http://www.thedrchronicles.com


Re: A small note of thanks to everyone on my email list [Re: pertnear] #7097657
03/01/18 06:35 PM
03/01/18 06:35 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 41,344
Over yonder.....
S
SnakeWrangler Online content
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SnakeWrangler  Online Content
THF Celebrity
S

Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 41,344
Over yonder.....
Originally Posted By: pertnear
clap confused2 clap


Originally Posted By: skinnerback
Milf does the trick.

"You're statistically more likely to be killed by Hillary Clinton than an NRA member. - PolitiDiva

"You Cannot Simultaneously Be Politically Correct And Intellectually Honest!"
Re: A small note of thanks to everyone on my email list [Re: mikei] #7098747
03/02/18 04:27 PM
03/02/18 04:27 PM
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,177
Ben Wheeler,Tx
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pigplinker Offline
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pigplinker  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,177
Ben Wheeler,Tx
eeks333 I will have change my ways. Oh hell I'm to old to do that now.

Re: A small note of thanks to everyone on my email list [Re: mikei] #7099746
03/03/18 02:05 PM
03/03/18 02:05 PM
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 4,818
Hurst, Tx
D
Dave Davidson Offline
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Dave Davidson  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 4,818
Hurst, Tx
Mike, you are on a roll. Thanx and keep rolling.


Without a sense of urgency, nothing ever happens.

Boy, if I say "sic em", you'd better look for something to bite. Sam Shelley, Rancher Muleshoe Texas 1892-1985 RIP
Re: A small note of thanks to everyone on my email list [Re: mikei] #7102269
03/06/18 02:10 AM
03/06/18 02:10 AM
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 440
Plano, TX
G
Gary Olson Online content
Bird Dog
Gary Olson  Online Content
Bird Dog
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Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 440
Plano, TX
Perfect,sounds like the gun range is the safest place.

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