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dealing with depression #3813469 12/04/12 06:29 AM
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RoadBlock Offline OP
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hi, as you guys know i am a disabled vet. I have an unexplained muscle disease, severe ptsd with depression and hallucinations as well as multiple traumatic brain injuries. Im posting because Im going nuts. My Dr says my ptsd and head trauma has caused my symptoms to manifest in severe ocd like symptoms. Frankly i get hooked on something i enjoy and sink my teeth in till my gums bleed, metaphorically speaking. I hate all this, i feel guilty writing this, i feel like Im whining but i need to put this out there. My ocd stuff goes like this i get hooked and i latch on and obsess to the point of insanity. I did it with kayak fishing to the point that i am on a sponsored fishing pro staff now. I did it with photography and that is my major in college. I am now doing it with hunting. I am coinstantly reading, on the forum, scouring the net, spending money i don't need to on stuff and instantly feeling guilty. I drive my wife crazy and my Dr says there is no way to control it. Im on several meds and they help sometimes. I will give y'all a taste so you can understand. Right now my hands are shaking and my skin is crawling because i am writing this. The hunting part i love, its peaceful and relaxing, but things like the rifle. I am supposed to get one for Christmas from my wife so i am constantly hunting for the right fit, i was loaned a great fun by my fil, completely tweaked and dialed in, he gave me a box of reloaded ammo made specifically for this winchester model 70 243, after testing different loads and etc for years. A great gun, he said that it was mine for the season. I am constantly on the forum. I hunt with my church and when i can't go hunting I feel deflated and like i have failed. Then i feel like crap for looking a gift horse in the mouth, if i don't hunt i get on edge and agitated, frustrated and angry. I want nothin.g more than to hunt my limit and enjoy this sport, when i freak out or am a jerk i am watching myself and know Im wrong but can't stop. I get so depressed when a hunting trip is canceled, when my fil went hunting together and saw nothing and there was a chance we could go again the next day and then we couldn't i got depressed and passed and agitated. That usually only happens when i miss my meds but this ocd clap over rides everything. I don't know when i will see a deer again or feel calm in a blind watching for a deer. I feel to guilty to ashen i can go. I feel guilty and sick when i do things for veterans and hunting because my wounds are invisible. Im no hero i just don't know. I love this sport and want give it up but i can't control my emotions and my depression and my ocd at home. When i go hunting it all goes away and i feel calm and at peace and human for a short time. Its like this with fishing and photography too but my switch us stuck on hunting right now. Im sorry for the belly aching.

Re: dealing with depression [Re: RoadBlock] #3813505 12/04/12 08:27 AM
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Deer Junky Offline
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Glad you can come here and get things off your chest a little basscowboy up

I am not a veteran nor have I ever dealt with any of the traumatic situations that you have, so I won't pretend to completely understand what you've gone through/are going through. But you absolutely have my empathy.

But I have experienced dark times of struggling with depression when I was a teenager. To cope with it, I relied heavily on the excitement of bowhunting and fishing. Everything was great while in the tree or on the lake, but man, the blues sure would set in in-between trips. It was more than just having the "bug" for hunting or whatever. I was simply unhappy if I wasn't hunting or fishing.

I came to understand that everyone has a "hole" in their soul. And that hole has a specific shape and is the same shape in every person. We subconciously make a decision to fill this hole with something, person, or activity, etc.

So where is all this hole talk going? Well, when God made man, he created that hole in his soul to be "Christ-shaped". Deeply woven into our existence is a need to have a relationship with God, through his son, Jesus. Many people never acknowledge that this need exists.

So, we have a choice--we can either fill the hole in our soul with Jesus Christ, or we can try to fill it with other things that are a different shape: hunting, fishing, sports, drugs, toys, spouses, children, careers, sex, alcohol, accomplishments, etc. NOTE: None of those things are inherently wrong! But, when we try to force these "non Christ-shaped" pieces into the hole that can only be filled with Christ, we will never be satisfied, and that piece will always feel misfitted.

Having said that, I now enjoy the outdoors more fully, as I no longer have the wrong expectations for the peripheral things I enjoy in life. Rather than fleeting HAPPINESS, I have a real JOY in my life that is not dependent on the circumstances around me.

I hope that this will encourage you in some way, as it has me.


BTW - Love the sig. Long live the Rooster!


Eternity in heaven or hell will be measured on a yardstick. The 10 inches between the brain and heart is the greatest chasm between God and Man.

We can fool ourselves, but we cannot fool God.
Re: dealing with depression [Re: RoadBlock] #3813861 12/04/12 02:29 PM
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jeh7mmmag Online Happy
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Quote:
PVA SERVICE OFFICERS:
DALLAS OFFICE
SENIOR BENEFITS ADVOCATE: PERRY DIJKMAN
SENIOR SECRETARY: ZELDA HERRERA
VA DALLASMEDICAL CENTER
4500 S LANCASTER RD, SCI UNIT ROOM 1A 102
DALLAS TX 75216
214-857-0105/0106
Give the above a call and visit with Perry Dijkman. He can be a world of help and know where to start.


Quote:
Lone Star PVA is having a dinner this Sat in Garland. They would be honored to have you attend. Information is in newsletter. You will find Vets from all walks of life that will reach out to help you in any way they can. Nice group of people.
http://mypva.org/home.html


Quote:



Quote:
We need more active skeet shooters. Take a look over the newsletter.
http://www.mylspva.org/app/download/6910352104/Newsletter+Fall+2012+Temp.pdf


Good luck and PM me or call if you would like to.


“Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in,
where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul.”
~ John Muir
Re: dealing with depression [Re: jeh7mmmag] #3830571 12/09/12 09:48 PM
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Hey brother, I know how you feel. I am going throught the same things. I could live in the bush and just hunt the rest of my life. I feel for you buddy I believe it wont get any better though. hasnt for me and most people cant or wont help. Some really do care but cant help. Alot of times I wish I was still in combat. maybe we could get together 1 day and hunt.



Matthew 5:9
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
Re: dealing with depression [Re: Retired Sgt. Gilliam] #3830656 12/09/12 10:22 PM
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Hey sgt. Gilliam, thank you for your words. I am with on feeling that certain things won't get any better. My wife and family make life in the civilian world tolerable. If i did not have them i wouldn't care about this life, i would volunteer to go back to combat. I wish there was a way to make hunting a permanent part of my life. If i could id buy a ranch and dedicate it solely to hunting for veterans, police and first responders. But right now finding a place to hunt regularly is a problem. I will hunt with you any day my friend.

Re: dealing with depression [Re: RoadBlock] #3830700 12/09/12 10:36 PM
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Thanks bass cowboy. I wrote that in Afghanistan but I just added another topic in here. that shows how I feel. Should a man cry? hmm



Matthew 5:9
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
Re: dealing with depression [Re: Retired Sgt. Gilliam] #3830722 12/09/12 10:47 PM
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Yes a real man should cry. It means that your soul is still intact though you may have lost other things.

Re: dealing with depression [Re: RoadBlock] #3830789 12/09/12 11:15 PM
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feel like my heart is black as if it were made of cole



Matthew 5:9
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
Re: dealing with depression [Re: Retired Sgt. Gilliam] #3876560 12/23/12 04:03 AM
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I hope you guys find the right person to help you overcome your illnesses from war. OCD is not good, not a veteran, just hunter with OCD. I had to learn different things to do to deal with this, and I have had it since I was a youngster and I am now 52. Doctors didnt know what it was back then.
After years of being as want-a-be bad-[censored], and many broken relationships, i finally got the help I needed in church, raised 4 boys, all good men and finally got a wife to back me up and go through the tough times. Their is hope and one day you will defeat it.
Just remember, during your darkest hours, tomorrow is another day, another chance, the sun will shine, the birds will sing, and the deer are always there.


avid deer hunter that is disable but God has still blessed me.
Re: dealing with depression [Re: jerry hart] #3876789 12/23/12 05:54 AM
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thank you for your words Jerry



Matthew 5:9
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
Re: dealing with depression [Re: Retired Sgt. Gilliam] #3877015 12/23/12 01:09 PM
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Hey BC, I'm just an old USN vet from Nam era and never saw action, but I can identify with most of your symptoms. I see you're in church and I hope you found a way to allow Christ in your heart. I didn't until my 40's and it did change me. I finally found peace. Beyond that buddy, just realize that life just sucks sometimes and push through. We all get depressed and anxious followed by just plain pissed off, but it passes. We all love quiet time alone and afield. I had to find my 'happy spot' and learn to stay there at all costs. I figured out along the way that it was very important that I stay happy or those around me were not happy and that made it worse for me and them. This situation would then snowball on me until crackup and burn out. Not good. So, my goal now is for me to be happy no matter what. It sounds selfish but it works. Those around me are happy when I am happy. Married to same woman for 33 years, worked same job for 15 years. Pursue what makes you happy man. Don't feel guilty doing it. Put the crap behind you and push on towards that happy spot. You got good times ahead.


Cast

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I have a short attention spa
Re: dealing with depression [Re: Cast] #3877307 12/23/12 03:24 PM
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Hey fellas I'm one of y'all. I'm here to tell ya that if you've been lucky enough to find something that eases the pain even a lil bit then by all means embrace it. Especially something as therapeutic as the outdoors. Between that and my wife and kids that's what saved me... don't feel bad... just love God, family, and the outdoors, and the rest will sort itself out. And to answer your question about crying .... I can't tell you how many times I've cried uncontrollably until I had nothing left... and it was a feeling of relief. Keep your chin up boys. We'll be OK.


OMG, this is the best slumber party ever!
Re: dealing with depression [Re: SweetTea] #4028354 02/06/13 01:35 PM
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I don't usually talk about this stuff but something's telling me I should. I'm still active and have a couple deployments behind me so I can relate to wanting to be back there all the time. I don't have any physical scars or TBI I was lucky enough to make it through without any of that but I can relate to the mental scars that most people don't understand. We've seen and done things that most people can't, don't want to and shouldn't have to even imagine. You asked if it's ok for a man to cry, I rarely cry and haven't in a really long time but for some reason i'm crying right now. We may feel like our hearts are black and hardened and that we'll never be ok but I promise things can be better. I know a lot of people that don't know, understand or care how we feel or what happens to us but that's what we have each other for. I've never met either of you and probably never will but the brotherhood that we share from what we've done will be there forever. I know i'm late posting this since the last post here was two months ago but maybe it will give you the boost you need to get through this day by knowing you're not alone.

Re: dealing with depression [Re: Deer Junky] #4049459 02/13/13 01:10 PM
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Originally Posted By: Deer Junky
Glad you can come here and get things off your chest a little basscowboy up

I am not a veteran nor have I ever dealt with any of the traumatic situations that you have, so I won't pretend to completely understand what you've gone through/are going through. But you absolutely have my empathy.

But I have experienced dark times of struggling with depression when I was a teenager. To cope with it, I relied heavily on the excitement of bowhunting and fishing. Everything was great while in the tree or on the lake, but man, the blues sure would set in in-between trips. It was more than just having the "bug" for hunting or whatever. I was simply unhappy if I wasn't hunting or fishing.

I came to understand that everyone has a "hole" in their soul. And that hole has a specific shape and is the same shape in every person. We subconciously make a decision to fill this hole with something, person, or activity, etc.

So where is all this hole talk going? Well, when God made man, he created that hole in his soul to be "Christ-shaped". Deeply woven into our existence is a need to have a relationship with God, through his son, Jesus. Many people never acknowledge that this need exists.

So, we have a choice--we can either fill the hole in our soul with Jesus Christ, or we can try to fill it with other things that are a different shape: hunting, fishing, sports, drugs, toys, spouses, children, careers, sex, alcohol, accomplishments, etc. NOTE: None of those things are inherently wrong! But, when we try to force these "non Christ-shaped" pieces into the hole that can only be filled with Christ, we will never be satisfied, and that piece will always feel misfitted.

Having said that, I now enjoy the outdoors more fully, as I no longer have the wrong expectations for the peripheral things I enjoy in life. Rather than fleeting HAPPINESS, I have a real JOY in my life that is not dependent on the circumstances around me.

I hope that this will encourage you in some way, as it has me.


BTW - Love the sig. Long live the Rooster!


AMEN!
up


Once we have a war there is only one thing to do. It must be won. For defeat brings worse things than any that can ever happen in war.
Ernest Hemingway

Re: dealing with depression [Re: jerry hart] #4049463 02/13/13 01:12 PM
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Originally Posted By: jerry hart
I hope you guys find the right person to help you overcome your illnesses from war. OCD is not good, not a veteran, just hunter with OCD. I had to learn different things to do to deal with this, and I have had it since I was a youngster and I am now 52. Doctors didnt know what it was back then.
After years of being as want-a-be bad-[censored], and many broken relationships, i finally got the help I needed in church, raised 4 boys, all good men and finally got a wife to back me up and go through the tough times. Their is hope and one day you will defeat it.
Just remember, during your darkest hours, tomorrow is another day, another chance, the sun will shine, the birds will sing, and the deer are always there.


AMEN


Once we have a war there is only one thing to do. It must be won. For defeat brings worse things than any that can ever happen in war.
Ernest Hemingway

Re: dealing with depression [Re: floresrsr] #4049526 02/13/13 01:53 PM
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Can't believe I am just reading this now. I go through similar things, and through sheer stubborness, have overcome just a few of them. If you need to talk, shoot me a pm and I'll send you my number. Soemtimes, having a like minded person to talk to helps. SFC Eric Winter

Re: dealing with depression [Re: bluelund79] #4075722 02/22/13 10:22 PM
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Hang in there-keep hunting- i,ve had 2 open heart surgeries, and a knee replaced- and at 57 i keep going-i know depression-dealing w/ medical retirement now---keep hunting -i do--got 92 hogs last 2 years- and 5 deer- then some varmits- be strong-wish you the best-OCD been eat up w/ it for years....

Re: dealing with depression [Re: buckdeer44] #4076819 02/23/13 12:05 PM
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I understand what you have told us about your injuries, but allow me to observe that your "obession" with endeavors...seems quite normal, and frankly healthy because you must be an Achiever. Normal and healthy beacuse we are both OCD. Maybe its all in how we look at life, and how we respond to to the way others tell us whats normal or not.

well, i dont know. maybe. there is always self doubt.
lets see..

While I could never comprehend what your injuries have done to you, I am also very very,very much OCD in almost same manner as you describe. the only difference perhaps, is how long my cycles last, and when I pick them up again, for a given OCD interest.

I dont feel right talking about "me" ..but so similar to your post minus the Injuries.
Honest to god, you cant imagine the $$$$ spent on trying to achieve things, that some will tell you is not important.

Like you, I could worry about the OCD. ( I do, though, its natural too.)

Or realize that we are what we are, and changing is not always the right thing - if thats "not you".

I would guess though, that the OCD was not a part of you before your vet injuries?

The depression from OCD is a part of it.
I really think that worrying will cause you more.
There was a time the OCD behavior put myself and family in a debt situation that only by grace and luck we got out of. Thank God for a Wife that puts up with me.
99% of others we divorce. (and it came close once.)

Yes surely toning down the OCD stuff is good. no doubt. But if it costs you more mentally, perhaps even physically, would it be worth it.

Again it seems you are a dedicated Achiever.
Its a short life, keep achieving.

with best thoughts,
timbertoes

Last edited by timbertoes; 02/23/13 12:08 PM.
Re: dealing with depression [Re: RoadBlock] #4077193 02/23/13 04:21 PM
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To all my brothers here.
I am new to Texas
Casified as totally and permantly disabled vet.
I hope none of you where any of the men I had carried out of an area.
If you are God granted are paths to cross again and on better terms.
Since I have been here in Texas we have found a house and I found something to obcess over (hog hunting)
I grew up a archery hunter after shoulder injuries now is crossbow. (another obcession)
I can get around pretty good so any of you that I can help
Just ask

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