Dilemma for me, question for the board

Wow, where to start as this is kinda hard to talk about but need advice. So my ex a couple years back decided it was OK, without asking me first, to let her boyfriend take my son hunting for the first time ever instead of allowing me that opportunity and memory...even going as far as taking it upon himself to "teach" my son to shoot for the first time and again without even talking to me first. Mind you this is the boyfriend she had an affair with and divorced me for...and yes, I know that's my issue. I've since taken him to sit with me on a number of occasions and decided this year at 10 he is old enough to try and shoot something himself. I bought him a 243, taken him to the range, etc. and we have went hunting a few times but he has not had the opportunity to take a deer yet while with me, his father.

Now this morning I get an email from his mother, instead of a call, saying that my son has an opportunity to go deer hunting this weekend and she doesn't want him not to be able to shoot something if he has a chance. She's asking for his license so he can shoot a deer if he has the chance or for me to explain why he can't shoot something without his dad there. I don't want to be the selfish one and say no, but there's a very good chance that I'm going to miss out on sharing the memory of my son's 1st deer just like I had the memory of having him go hunting the first time with me taken away.

So my question is what would you all do?

Full disclosure - I have no kids and I've never been divorced myself, so I may be talking out of my rear a bit. My parents were divorced, though, so I have that perspective on the issue at least.

Your son has a mixed family; these things are going to happen. It's part of the aftermath of a divorce with children. It might help if you think about it from his perspective. No matter how much you would be disappointed you did not get to share his first deer with him, you would still be exceedingly proud of him, right?

maybe ask if he can just get a doe this weekend and save the first buck for you and him? that way your son can maybe get him a deer this weekend but you and him can experience an even greater thrill

By not letting your son go could drive a wedge between you and him, he is only 10, besides when you and he are together the best will come for both of you.
If he does get his first deer with someone else he and you still have the chance of his first deer with you and might be able to teach more than you know.
The best.

This sounds like a good compromise to me. You don't look like the bad guy for saying no, but you still get the chance to experience his first buck with him.

I would be as supportive as you can. He needs to know you have his back no matter what. If you put your foot down, he will not be mad at your ex or her boyfriend, you will take that one.

There is plenty of season left and years of hunting together to come. If he has the opportunity, he should take it.

I'm a divorced father of two boys.

I never compromised in the least and wouldn't in this case.

Let it be known 100%. Tell the ex, your son, and the BF you'll take him hunting for his first deer.

And…welcome to a lifetime of this horsecrap. It isn't ever easy.

I understand all the other replies. But I'm telling you from experience, do not expect compromise if you don't put your foot down. Be the bad guy. Be selfish. Make them mad.

If you don't … man, can you imagine if you let this BF have this memory and he's no longer a part of your son's life anymore???

Screw that - no way.

Dont let your own selfishness take away from your kids happiness !

He's 10, if he wants to go, let him go.

I agree. The boy's interests come first.

hello...my name is Michael.... I write from italy.....

The best day besides the day my 3 daughters were born was the day I wrote that last child support check. Their momma lived off of them since she did not have a job and now doesn't have squat to show for it. My girls are all successful since I put all 3 thru college without any cost to them. Not everyone has that ability with finances but I ate a bunch of bologna sandwiches to make it happen. I was blessed with being able to take my kids fishing for the first time catching fish and that was a blessing. They were never interested in hunting. He may teach your son to hunt or ride a bike or be there when he is sick at home. Pissed me off that someone else had that right with my daughters but do not talk down or berate your ex in front of your son about his mom or her boyfriend. Congratulate him if he makes a kill then put him on a bigger and better deer. Point is to be engaged in the upbringing of your son. There will always be someone else in the life of a divorced family. Make your time with your son SPECIAL.

Bust him out of school tomorrow or wed and take him before the other guy.

Best feeling I ever has was when I was summoned to the principals office and was told my dad was there to pick me up for a "family emergency". Got in the car and he had it loaded with our gear. Don't remember if we got anything or even where we went but I do remember thinking how cool it was that dad wanted to take me.

Keep your boy happy so you can be happy. Explain to him that you want to be with him when he kills his first deer and many other things that occur in life, but by the same token you don't want to stand in the way of him being happy. If you continuously do what is best for him, in the long run he will figure it out. On the flip side if you continuously do what is best for you, he will figure that out also. Kids should not have to make a choice. Been there and done the entire thing, but it was with 2 daughters instead of a son.

You've prepared him for taking a deer. Encourage him to do his best and kill a monster. Take the high road.

Sucks.

Now, if your son doesn't shoot something, you gotta get him in your stand, Poste Haste! (We are 5 weekends into season for the youth)

Man it's a tough one to swallow but if it is something he is really fired up about I think you need to give him your full support and wish him the best of luck on his first deer. Let him know how special it would be if you were with him and tell him how excited you will be when y'all get the chance. He will thank you for it. He will be more excited about telling you all about it than he is about being with the jackwagon that is taking him anyways. I promise. I like Redsnakes idea also

Yep. Also, I would be at least a little bit thankful that the new man takes an interest in your son. Could be worse. He could be a jerk to him.

I dont think id be too cool with it. at all!!

I will allways remember the first deer both my girls took . Very proud moments.

But take all that out of the equation... Here is my biggest problem..

I dont want my kids handeling firearms without MY supervision.. They are 13 and 17 now. There NO way I would turn them loose with someone else when they were 10. You dont know this guys safety skills.(especially some dude that has the morals to sleep with my wife). I know you have taught him well, but you know how it is when hunting with kids...SAFETY,SAFETY....

If you dont agree with me, use this as an excuse anyway...

good luck man, I feel for ya

what he said

In two years he can choose to live with you if he desires to. Don't let jealousy ruin that opportunity. Good luck.

As hard as this would be for me, this is what I would do if he wants to go.

That sucks OP. But if you're really asking for anonymous opinions on this very personal issue, I say let him go and ask them to keep you posted with texts and pics from the hunt. Make a big deal out of it, be supportive, and take him out whenever you have the opportunity. Heck, maybe even ship him a new set of binocs or something.

There are just some things a boy does with his dad. This is one of them. Jealousy…high road…ruining an opportunity…screw all of it. I'd make d*** sure my son killed his first deer with me right there with him. Just like I did with both of mine.

This is probably your only opportunity to raise a son…let a boyfriend take him for his first deer??! Does not sit even in the same playing field with reality.

Well OP what do u really want to do here. Same thing happen to me this year.
So, I told everyone involved that she is killing her first deer with me. Man it got bad
bah bah bah I'm her stepfather bah bah bah mom bah bah bah
Put your foot down your son your memories.I took her out of school Oct 24 killed
Her first deer 25. One of the greatest days of my life. To me this is a battle to fight.

I am 24, my parents were divorced, no dad. I am a self taught hunter, just this year me and my brother started hunting with a mentor and the connection you make while hunting is unmatched. I hunted with my brother last year and through this season, we sit in the same blind. I still haven't shot a deer, neither has my brother, and I honestly would not trade 1 second in the deer blind for anything else. I went out of town for 10 days this past week and my brother did not go in the field once, he said he would wait for me to come home so we could get our first deer together.

If I were in your shoes, I would tell your ex-wife's boyfriend to eat s***. It is not about being jealous, its about teaching your boy the joys of nature and the cathartic experience of hunting. You can't turn back the hands of a clock, your son will never shoot his first deer again, you make damn sure you're with him and putting blood on his face after y'all track and find the deer he shoots.

Man some of the posts r crazy to me high road , at least he's not a jerk, and jealousy. If he wants to be there for he's first kill he will make it happen.Nothing to do with any of those things. He's son he's choice!

Man, that's a bad spot to be in... With that being said.. You could look for the silver lining in this situation.. Your boy is being taken care of by the new guy. He is getting the opportunity to hunt.. At least you have the peace of mind knowing he is not being neglected.. Regardless of whether he kills his "first deer" or not.. He will always remember the "first deer" he killed with his dad.. Be happy he has an intrest in the outdoors. This bond can never be broken.. My dad was the man who introduced me to hunting and I am fortunate enough that he is STILL my hunting buddy.. I can recall every deer I have shot while with my dad.. I will keep those memories long after he's gone..

Ok, I am the stepdad of two girls. I see both sides. It would sux to miss out on his first. It would sux to have an opportunity taken away from a kid. Either way someone gets crap end of stick. Maybe he understand how you feel and he wants only go with you, maybe he don't care who he goes with as long as he gets to go. Maybe ex is trying to cheat you out of this. Maybe ex bf is trying to cheat you. But, my money is on it being seen as you cheating your kid. Only you know what best thing for you and your son is. I will pray for that to be what happens.

Other than the affair part, I was that "other guy." When the kid (it was a girl) showed an interest in hunting, I politely asked her father, who as far as I know never hunted, if it would be OK for me to teach her to shoot and then take her hunting. Even with him being a non hunter, there's just NO WAY I would have done it without his knowledge and permission. If he had said no, that would have been the end of it, regardless of whatever the kid's mother said.

I swear I remember reading this exact post before... anyhow

I didn't shoot my first deer with my dad he blew out his back and was laid up on the couch, actually the living room floor for about 2 weeks. Shot my first deer hunting with my mom.

Think your making too big a deal of it, means more to you than him. Tell him you wish you would be there for it, then wish him luck and like said above ask that they keep you updated with texts etc.

So many act like every poster on here is a perfect little angel. There are usually at least 2 sides to every story. How come you haven't had him out already, like someone else said its already several weeks into the season. And like someone else said at least the new guy is taking an interest in him no treating him like chit.

I feel for you man, things like this will sure make your stomach turn and get you wound up.....so, here is what I would do...respond to her email and make it clear how you feel about this and how much it means to you. Chances are she won't care, and if it's her weekend and she says he can go there's nothing you can do about it anyway (as I'm sure you know). If he does go and he does kill his first deer with this guy then be as supportive as you can to him, keep the vibe positive even if you're sick over it. I am a twice divorced father of four and I have been through a lot of this kinda crap. I used to worry about things I couldn't change and some of those things really upset me. Now, I see things differently or at least I'm trying to. I decided years ago that what they do when they are with their mom and one of her boyfriends is beside the point, what we do when we're together is what is important. You have been trying to get your son a deer, he sees that and he won't forget it. You just keep on being a Dad to him and don't worry yourself sick over things you can't change, yes I know it's hard.

Amen

I went thru the same thing! You do not kno this guy! If he's going to be out there with his buddies drinking etc! I called the guy and told him what was not going to happen! And he respected what I had to say! Lol I was with my dad on my first deer and my son was with me! End of story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

redchevy, I have taken my son out a bunch this year. In fact, I just got back from taking him tonight. Unfortunately, where I hunt is not set up for hunting and douche bag has a lease where anyone that goes is all but guaranteed a deer.

Like I said, just got back from hunting with him. We talked a bit on the way up and back and I told him how I felt but that if he wanted to shoot a deer when I wasn't with him than I would back him and to please let me know right away if he get's one and send me pictures. I dropped him off at his moms, asked to to come outside, handed her my son's hunting license and the 243 I bought for him to use this weekend. I politely told her how I felt and that I didn't appreciate her bf telling my son I shouldn't feel the way I do and that if it was his son he wouldn't have a problem with it (liar), had her yell at me for how I felt and was told it didn't matter, thanked her and got in my truck and left.

Thanks for everyone's advice either way as I respect all opinions whether I agree or not.

Your post doesn't clearly say that the boyfriend is the one taking him, I'm assuming it is. I'm also going to say that you are PO'd and bitter about the circumstances of your divorce. Now the boyfriend is cheating you again but this time it's about time and experience with your son. Have you talked to the boyfriend? Is he safe, does he drink and handle firearms? So far, based on the experience with your ex wife, he's not exactly the best moral compass. That said, your are in a sh%77y situation. Yes it's true your ex is being nasty as she knows this is important to you and is rubbing your face in it. Worse, she also knows but won't admit it that this is an important event for your son as well. A) boyfriend needs to be a man and talk to you about it B) ex needs to be a mother and not a witch and think about her son and not putting the screws to you.

The child's needs should be put first and screw all the adults. I am board certified when it comes to selfish and vindictive ex's. You will only hurt your son's feelings and disappoint him if you don't let him go. He will hold you accountable as he is too young to understand what is going on. If you can't take him prior to him going with the BF then make sure he is in safe hands and wish him the very best. Be excited and proud of him if he is successful. This is the example that he will carry with him. It's probably only a matter of time before BF and ex cheat on each other anyway and you need to be there as the bigger person. He will figure all the character issues out himself as he matures and can realize that you are the better person and someone to be looked up to and admired.

Children are tools for people with little minds and uncontrollable inner bitterness. And they say only guppies eat their young. It is truly a shame that some parents consider the world to be all about them. Denying him the opportunity to experience this with you is very small minded and self serving.

Good luck to you and your son no matter the outcome. It is all about him, his well being both physically and emotionally. Be there for him even if you have to take one on the chin.

I think you're putting too much emphasis on the first deer and not realizing that when it comes time for him to take a deer/buck with you, that's what's going to make it matter to him.

Trust me, my mom's fiance (they were engaged for a decade but never got married) taught me to flounder gig, run gill nets, catch sharks, shoot a gun, and basically everything you could ever hope to do fishing wise.

Didn't mean a lick to me, but when my hopelessly non-outdoorsy dad took me fishing for perch, I was about to jump outta my pants.

I know you're worried he's making these memories without you, but it's not different than if he went with a friend or his school. The only thing that should matter to you is doing as much as you can with him. It will vastly outweigh anything this other guy could ever do.

I'd let him go, personally.

One can only do the best with what they have to work with. You sir sound like you are doing your best with your son A situation like this is one of those things that you have to actually experience for yourself to understand. Doesn't matter who did who wrong bla bla...it's all about the kids and you're doing it Like mentioned before keep doing what you're doing and your son will keep drawing closer to you no matter how many boyfriends come in and out of his mom's life. My first wife has had lord knows how many "examples" come in and out of their lives but those kids know who their Dad is & that will never change, sounds like you're doing the same. My 16 yr old son looked me in the eye Saturday and told me I was a good Dad. Meant more to me than he knows. Keep it up and your son will feel the same way if he doesn't already. Good job taking him hunting and don't dwell too much on the things you can't change. If you do, those things will eat you up. Stay strong.

You did fine in my book. I am a divorced father also with a son I now have full custody of. Went thru the bitter ex-wife show.
Learn from this and put EVERY effort, minute and breath on growing and strengthening the relationship between you and your son.
Do your best to be there for the "firsts". You can never spend too much time with a young child.

A simple "good night son, I love you" text to him when he is not with you goes a long way.

Rise above the ex, it will be the best for your son. I did and soon my son wanted to live with me full time, ex even agreed it was best as she realized what was best for him.

Good luck Sir

Right on.

No wonder.

Double " Right on"

The adult drama should not be the child's drama, that will do more damage than all the "1st"....

^^^^^^^^^^^