One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started ........

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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started ...........

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My wife and I are watching Who Wants to Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No", she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes".
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started .........

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started .........

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started ......

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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, "What's on T.V.?"
I said, "Dust."

And that's when the fight started .......

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive ....
so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started ........

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly."
I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started .......

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started ......

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend...I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started ....

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I rear-ended a car this morning...So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it...he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
"I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started ......

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SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST
THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf"
Always something more important to me.
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush. I said,
"When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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BILL & HILLARY

Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee's season opener sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill. At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no". The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy." Bill hesitates....but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says,"Ho-Kay!"

If that is what the people want. C'mere Hilly baby...With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill, you **%$%**!!!...The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & down, cheering, hooting & hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that! Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.

The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first Pitch!"

Greatness!...LOL!

Oh heck yesh.

Some good ones in there...