Main Menu
Newest Members
Chris W, Jdale30, MarionT, Txaghunt, yheme
63399 Registered Users
Top Posters
dogcatcher 85667
stxranchman 52297
bill oxner 44661
RWH24 44568
rifleman 44346
BOBO the Clown 43210
BMD 40767
Big Orn 37484
txshntr 35090
SnakeWrangler 33394
Forum Stats
63399 Members
45 Forums
446745 Topics
6172232 Posts

Max Online: 16728 @ 03/25/12 08:51 AM
Topic Options
#7097179 - 03/01/18 06:44 AM A small note of thanks to everyone on my email list
mikei Offline
Veteran Tracker

Registered: 11/16/14
Posts: 2648

As we progress into 2018, I want to thank you for
your educational e-mails over the past year. I am
totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using
a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in
my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on
the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can
only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
driving because the number one pastime while driving alone
is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I
can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have
consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed
it on the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up
in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes
seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me..

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with
calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me
instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a
dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably
placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten
by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s
ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's

Oh, and by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out
of the toilet..


#7097256 - 03/01/18 07:53 AM Re: A small note of thanks to everyone on my email list [Re: mikei]
Bar-D Offline
Pro Tracker

Registered: 02/03/11
Posts: 1271
Loc: The Lone Star State
I'm don't think I can go on now..................I'm sure I'm doomed.

Edited by Bar-D (03/01/18 07:54 AM)
People Sleep Peacefully in Their Beds at Night Only Because Rough Men Stand Ready to Do Violence on Their Behalf

#7097266 - 03/01/18 08:04 AM Re: A small note of thanks to everyone on my email list [Re: mikei]
pertnear Online   content
Bird Dog

Registered: 12/31/14
Posts: 416
Loc: Kingsland, TX
clap confused2 clap
Visit my fictional blog "The dr Chronicles" about a laid-back Texan named dr - Enjoy!

#7097657 - 03/01/18 12:35 PM Re: A small note of thanks to everyone on my email list [Re: pertnear]
SnakeWrangler Online   content
THF Celebrity

Registered: 01/22/11
Posts: 33394
Loc: Over yonder.....
Originally Posted By: pertnear
clap confused2 clap
"You're statistically more likely to be killed by Hillary Clinton than an NRA member. - PolitiDiva

"Death is permanent...everything else is temporary!"

"You Cannot Simultaneously Be Politically Correct And Intellectually Honest!"

#7098747 - 03/02/18 10:27 AM Re: A small note of thanks to everyone on my email list [Re: mikei]
pigplinker Offline
Pro Tracker

Registered: 08/07/11
Posts: 1653
Loc: Ben Wheeler,Tx
eeks333 I will have change my ways. Oh hell I'm to old to do that now.

#7099746 - 03/03/18 08:05 AM Re: A small note of thanks to everyone on my email list [Re: mikei]
Dave Davidson Offline
Extreme Tracker

Registered: 06/24/06
Posts: 4591
Loc: Hurst, Tx
Mike, you are on a roll. Thanx and keep rolling.
Without a sense of urgency, nothing ever happens.

Boy, if I say "sic em", you'd better look for something to bite. Sam Shelley, Rancher Muleshoe Texas 1892-1985 RIP

#7102269 - 03/05/18 08:10 PM Re: A small note of thanks to everyone on my email list [Re: mikei]
Gary Olson Offline
Bird Dog

Registered: 01/24/13
Posts: 333
Loc: Plano, TX
Perfect,sounds like the gun range is the safest place.


© 2004-2016 OUTDOOR SITES NETWORK all rights reserved USA and Worldwide