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#6728039 - 04/06/17 09:48 PM Dave Barry's Colonoscopy
BayouGuy Online   content
Pro Tracker

Registered: 03/27/13
Posts: 1583
Loc: S.E. Louisiana
Long, but funny.

Dave Barry’s Colonoscopy

(Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.)

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.

I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.

In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening , I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, be ca use MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result'.

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I ca n tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts; the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.
I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me..

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time; the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, be ca use I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea! Really! I slept through it! One moment, ABBA was yelling, 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent.. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
_________________________
If you can't laugh at yourself, give me a call. I'll gladly laugh at you.

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#6728159 - 04/07/17 04:57 AM Re: Dave Barry's Colonoscopy [Re: BayouGuy]
pigplinker Offline
Pro Tracker

Registered: 08/07/11
Posts: 1455
Loc: Ben Wheeler,Tx
Yup just had this about a month ago. Porcelin is your friend. flush

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#6728173 - 04/07/17 05:42 AM Re: Dave Barry's Colonoscopy [Re: BayouGuy]
Dave Davidson Offline
Extreme Tracker

Registered: 06/24/06
Posts: 4517
Loc: Hurst, Tx
This one is good.
_________________________
Without a sense of urgency, nothing ever happens.

Boy, if I say "sic em", you'd better look for something to bite. Sam Shelley, Rancher Muleshoe Texas 1892-1985 RIP

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#6728214 - 04/07/17 07:21 AM Re: Dave Barry's Colonoscopy [Re: BayouGuy]
bill oxner Online   content
THF Celebrity

Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 41642
Loc: Katy-Fulshear
I read his book.
_________________________
Quail hunting is like walking into, and out of a beautiful painting all day long. Gene Hill









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#6730022 - 04/09/17 12:13 PM Re: Dave Barry's Colonoscopy [Re: BayouGuy]
DryFire Offline
Bird Dog

Registered: 09/25/16
Posts: 260
Loc: Irving, TX
Had to stop halfway through and compose myself..
_________________________
Slow is smooth, smooth is fast.

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#6730037 - 04/09/17 12:38 PM Re: Dave Barry's Colonoscopy [Re: BayouGuy]
Cast Offline
THF Celebrity

Registered: 12/14/08
Posts: 16542
Loc: North Texas - God's Country
It's a farting contest in the recovery area. I always win.
_________________________
Cast



I have a short attention spa

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#6730720 - 04/10/17 09:46 AM Re: Dave Barry's Colonoscopy [Re: BayouGuy]
PMK Offline
THF Trophy Hunter

Registered: 09/10/12
Posts: 6309
Loc: Central TX (Gtown/Austin)
the prep flush ... is much worse than the procedure
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"everyone that lives dies but not everyone who dies lived..."

~PMK~

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#6768798 - 05/19/17 01:32 PM Re: Dave Barry's Colonoscopy [Re: BayouGuy]
Skipetex Offline
Woodsman

Registered: 01/31/13
Posts: 106
Loc: Hughes Springs, Tx
.

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#6769176 - 05/19/17 08:09 PM Re: Dave Barry's Colonoscopy [Re: BayouGuy]
texasag93 Online   content


Registered: 04/12/09
Posts: 4630
Loc: Argyle
TLTR and too young to care.

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#6769230 - 05/19/17 09:00 PM Re: Dave Barry's Colonoscopy [Re: PMK]
Simple Searcher Offline
THF Trophy Hunter

Registered: 12/30/12
Posts: 5440
Loc: Helotes, Hext
Originally Posted By: PMK
the prep flush ... is much worse than the procedure

And I was dang hungry after it was all done. I earned them 3 hamburgers.
_________________________


"Man is still a hunter, still a simple searcher after meat..." Robert C. Ruark

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#6769331 - 05/19/17 11:31 PM Re: Dave Barry's Colonoscopy [Re: BayouGuy]
BayouGuy Online   content
Pro Tracker

Registered: 03/27/13
Posts: 1583
Loc: S.E. Louisiana
The prep called Go Lightly should be called go lightly, then go lightly again, and again, with a few go explosivelies thrown in.
_________________________
If you can't laugh at yourself, give me a call. I'll gladly laugh at you.

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#6772143 - 05/23/17 04:31 AM Re: Dave Barry's Colonoscopy [Re: Cast]
pigplinker Offline
Pro Tracker

Registered: 08/07/11
Posts: 1455
Loc: Ben Wheeler,Tx
Originally Posted By: Cast
It's a farting contest in the recovery area. I always win.


Yes they have to repaint the recovery room quite often. Something in the air makes it hard for paint to stay on. After the prep I prooved some people right that I was full of #$%@#.

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#6773978 - 05/24/17 06:46 PM Re: Dave Barry's Colonoscopy [Re: BayouGuy]
Pointer Offline
Pro Tracker

Registered: 03/01/10
Posts: 1546
Loc: Bishop, Texas
I've gone thru that twice in my lifetime. That was twice too much. He describes it to a tee.

The first time, just before the proceedure began, the doctor showed me the tube. I looked at it and remarked, "Damn Doc, isn't that gonna hurt?" He laughingly replied, "Probably, but you'll never know it. "
He was correct.
As they slid me from the gurney to the operating table, I was grabbing at and repositioning my hospital gown, to try and maintain some semblence of modesty. The old nurse told me, "Honey, no need to be shy. In about a minute I am going to see all of you there is to see. Now count backwards from 99 to 0 for me." I remember saying 98.



Edited by Pointer (05/24/17 11:12 PM)

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